Are you married to your spouse....

... or the media?

When I created Stilettos & a fishing pole back in March 2010,

I began it with intentions of it being my "scrapbook". I used to be very involved in scrap booking & capturing memories. Technology grew and I was no longer getting pictures developed - I found myself uploading all my photos to my computer.

This made it very hard to scrapbook.

I instantly fell in love with blogging. I loved writing my thoughts and feelings &

looking back on mine & Aaron's life together. I began to "meet" people I never knew & also attach myself to their life & personalities. Soon, I began to {link-up} answering questions about myself & so on. I found this brought me to meet more bloggers - I loved it.  I found more people starting to follow my life & that was a big compliment.

I've always been a big social person - in school, with media, with strangers & with my closest people in my life. I've always been known as "the social butterfly" - in fact

that's one of the things my husband loves about me the most, how I interact with everyone.

Aaron on the other hand is more set back. He has to feel comfortable somewhere to stand out & social media was never his go-to. Actually, the only time he would connect with MySpace or Facebook back in the days when we would be on our "outs". For the most part, he could careless.

Me? I used to be a MySpace junkie & now a Facebook junkie.

This drives my husband insane. He's always nagging me about it - and until lately I've realized it's pretty serious. I'v also seen it in others relationships.
Ever notice it's easy to see what's wrong in other situations but not so much your own?
Well, I've see this be a problem in the past few weeks on different accounts.
My eyes were opened - I'm just as bad, if not worse.

I read books on how to be the wife God intended me to be religiously. I constantly strive to remind myself to do this and not that. Why haven't I woken up and smelled the coffee that {media} has taken me over. I do not like that.

I can not get in the car without posting {Dinner at Jalapenos with my Love} or

taking a picture (that he hates) to upload on FB or now twitter. My husband and I watch The Bachelor/ette when it aires - I started having to see what everyone else is posting or tweeting therefore it was no longer OUR time. I constantly had my phone dividing my time with my husband along with social media. This is not good. Our time is precious and I am wasting it away. How sad.

This year, I participated in LENT - I am southern baptist however I felt it was a great thing

to jump in and give something up for GOD.  And truthfully, not just for GOD but for my husband - I've chosen FB. I had a lot of questions on why I would do that -  and to be honest, it offended me a bit.  However, I continued on.  It's actually horrible to admit how many times I go to get on my FB app. Every stop light, grocery store line, etc. I never knew how much I depend on it to keep me entertained. Since I've given it up, I've become a tweeter & now an instagram-er. My husband has now started hiding my phone from me - this is sad. This is horrible and at first I found it funny but if this isn't a HUGE sign waving {Spend Time With Me}, I don't know what else is. Nothing is worth loosing my time with him. Really & disturbing.

My eyes began to see clearly and make me realize he wants my attention - he wants me.

Why would I give it to someone else? That being said, I'm really going to start focusing on

putting this horrible addiction/habit down. I'm not giving any of it up however, I need to put him first and not second. My marriage involves three people; Me, Aaron, & the media.  I can not let this happen any longer.

With all this being said,  I've been reading a lot of blogs on how Media has damaged their

marriages/relationships - another huge eye opener. I've had several people/bloggers admire my marriage {which is a huge compliment} and my husband {which is another huge compliment} for being what it is- remember it's not perfect. Clearly, because I wouldn't be writing this on my struggles. Remember that his grandmother once told me, Never bad mouth your husband in front of anyone, this way he always knows you are on his side. -I share my problems, not his nor ours.

Do you ever feel like you have the {Grass is Greener} Syndrome?

 "Every marriage has its good days and bad days, that’s the fact of life. However when your marriage is going through a particularly troubling time and you read blogs about how wonderful someone else’s life is or your old boyfriend connects up with you it can add additional undue stress to your marriage. When I was a newlywed I heard an older gentleman speaking on Dr. Dobson’s radio program about what made his marriage successful. He said “There were times in our marriage where I didn’t like my wife very much; there were times when she didn’t like me very much. The secret to a successful marriage is to not dislike each other at the same time. The other person can hold on for the both of you.” I have clung to that through the turbulent times in our marriage." - OurSimpleLife.com

I've run into this lately, only in a different light.  We as bloggers open up our home & life  to share to the world - such a wonderful thing,  as we do we also begin to see others lives & challenaging ourselves to envy other lifestyles and see what we don't have. I've picked this up recently and I am now putting it back down. This is not who I am. This is not what I am or what I want to become. I am not a jealous person nor do I live for what others have. I will admit I've found small pieces of me begin to think that way.  No more.

I absoultely love everyone we have together & at this time in our life, I want nothing else.

 

Is blogging starting to corrupt me?

No mam'. I know who I am which is a happily married woman living in a small house in the country- who drives a bright blue focus that I really do hate but a large payment is something I do not want - instead I want vacation. I won't buy expensive work out clothes because I think it's a waste - and I can hardly get myself to exercise period. I eat horribly in which I strive for the better. I struggle with household balance. I struggle with keeping my house clean.  I can not keep a plant a live for the life of me - besides my cactus.  I have a lot of faults and I am not afraid to say it. I am not perfect and sometimes I feel  in this blogging world - we are made to look perfect.  I am not a step ford wife & I never want to be a step ford wife. I never want to have it all together. I am not perfect, infact I don't even know what perfect stands for. I love this life of mine & I am going to continue to love it - and everything is has in it.

So -  are you married to your spouse or the media?

I did a link up incase anyone wants to write about their experience
or go into depth with their thoughts - however I'd love your feedback here also.

questions: life in the dating lane

photo credit

 Dating 101.

Are you tired of the Mr. Right Nows?  Of course you are.
ALL woman want to find love. But how?

Unfortunately, I am no help with these questions because I'm married to
my high school sweet heart. And when we weren't together in our younger years...
I was the worlds worst at "dating". My best friend, Danielle used to call me unapproachable. I'd freak out and get highly uncomfortable when a guy would even look at me even though he wanted nothing to do with me. Most of the time he was looking my direction but looking past me, I'd still hyperventilate.  Dating is very hard - it is not easy. It can be exhausting & very confusing.

I have a few people in my life very close to me {both women & men} who
are in the dating life & basically I'd love to give them ideas on where to go,
what to do & what do look for in someone. We are not looking for booty calls. We want good healthy relationships, whether they last or don't - there are so many woman who need a little direction, more confidence.

 Wanna help me help them?
Don't be afraid to write to much, or come back when you think of more.
We need ALL the advice we can get.  The more information you give now, the closer someone out there is to finding Mr./Mrs. Right. Give us what you got!

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Questions: Life in the dating lane

Q. = the single ladies {ages 25-40}
Q. = the single ladies who are starting over {ages 40-55}
Q. = the single men {all ages}

 Q.Q. Where can a woman go on a Friday of Saturday night
to seek single men? What are some different things she can do to put herself
out there and explore her options?

Q.Q. What are some red flags she should be aware of?

Q.Q. How or where did you meet your significant other?
 
 Q. Where are some places or events that a woman can
also meet other single woman?
After your children are gone & the house is quiet... it's just you.
Maybe a partnership with a man is an option but she is also looking for friends,
where can she go to find that?

 

Q.Q.Q. Body language - what are some signals a woman can give

a man to let him know she's interested?

 

Q. How can a man approach a woman without coming off

corny or sleazy? How did your significant other get your attention?

 

Q.Q.Q. How do you know when someone is no longer interested?

 

Q.Q.Q. Yes or No on "the dating game".

The Dating Game = don't answer every call. don't always be available. wait a few

minutes to call back.... and so on.

Q. How does a man know she is no longer interested?

Q.Q.Q.What is the BIGGEST turn off? Is there anything a person can do

that would make you loose all interest?

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I hope to get ALL sorts of feedback. Seriously, I think this can help a lot of people out there. If anything, it will help build their confidence. Again, you can't write too much.
Thank you to everyone who writes their thoughts. It's appreciated greatly.

inside a relationship.

"Couples that play together, Stay together."

Saw this quote today & it drew me into writing this post.

I really loved it.

I've been wanting to write about my thoughts on relationships {between lovers}

for some time now. I'm not a therapist nor is my relationship perfect.

Far from it. However, I will admit that mine & my husbands relationship from day one

has been one heck of  a ride. Gosh, to try to describe our highs & lows in words is very tough. Very tough but today it's stronger than ever.

And it is NOT because I am a newly wed.

 Not everybody or every relationship is always {Peaches N Cream} all the time.

But what makes a relationship last?

What keeps the spark flaring?

 What is it a couple has to do to stay in touch and

hold a close bond?

I have a few theories based on my own experiences.

I do not think two people have to have the same interests nor do they have to be

just a like to make it.

Of course in the beginning you are attracted to the same thing. "I'm up for anything" is said a lot & as long as you're together doing whatever is okay.

But most of the time it's all an act. It's the eye catcher.

My Bachelor fans, do you really think Ben is going to find his wife based on her swimming with sharks? Ummm.. no.

Or being able to face anything together because Linzi jumped out of a helicopter with him... facing her fears? No. She wanted a rose.

 I love Aaron very very much.

I still to this day would not swim with sharks for him. Never. I could barely swim with stingrays. Oh yeah. How could I forget. I removed myself from that adventure due to not being able to follow directions by keeping my feet planted in the sand. Instead, you found me in the fetal positions pressed against someone {anyones} back or front side... screaming like a child swimming from these monstrous creatures so kindly would swim directly at you and then rub their disgusting ... skin? flesh? whatever it is on your body.
so not me. but totally aaron. He was on top of the world.
Did I mention this 1.5 hours off the Cayman Island. This was not in a "trained tank".
These monstrous creatures were wild. Not my cup of tea.

Back on track. Sorry.

You do things in the beginning that your love interest wants you to do because you have a major crush on that person. But that does NOT define a relationship.

Pretending to be someone or loving something that you really don't is NOT how it works.

It causes major issues later down the road.

  I used to LOVE to fish. {hated it.}

Now, it's more of  "Okay, have a wonderful weekend with the guys babe. Catch a bigg'en!"

While I stay back on the fishing trip and do my own thing.

I'm totally okay with that. And he is too because if I were there...

He & I both would be miserable.

First, I want to share the best thing I ever did for my relationship.

I owe so much to a very close friend of mine, a best friend for sharing this with me

back in late 2009. Aaron and I just had a good year but not a solid year.

It was on it's way to a very strong relationship between the two to of us.

Why? Because I read this book.

I listened to these words and short {real life} stories and brought them

into my lifestyle.

"The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Marriage."

Nancy Cobb

If you are interested, which I HIGHLY recommend every woman who is

married or with someone they can see themselves with for a lifetime to purchase & read this book. You can get it here.

{stay on track}

Okay.

I'm going to share some of the things I believe keep

a relationship healthy - which means happy.

Really happy.

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is a {must have} in your relationship.

The book {Love & Respect} was read last year.

Basically the main thing I learned from this book was

Men = Respect

Woman = Love

Of course we both want respect as well as we want love but here is the key.

If a woman doesn't give her man Respect, he will shun her from love.

Once that happens, the woman no longer gives respect waiting for her man to show her love. 

And its goes around and around in a circle and before you know it...

you have a big argument. you have stubbornness. you are in a fight.

Until someone jumps out? Yep! This happens to everyone under many different circumstances.

A lot of us live by "Well, if he did this.... I'd do this more."

Or "Maybe if he thanked me & appreciated me more, I'd ____."

Right?

Yeah, well maybe if us women, as a wife would _______ he'd be more lovable {appreciative}.

Right? And it goes round and round. It's a circle.

I ask you to please read this story to understand the Circe of Love & Respect

fully based on His & Her Needs. It's truly inspiring but AFTER you read the rest of

what I have to say.

here we go.

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"Never stop dating your husband
And never forget to flirt with your wife."

This saying, this quote is hanging up in our living room &

something we plan to always focus on.

Date nights.

 I believe they are very important.

Cell phones off. No work.

Just the two of you & laughter.

Laughter makes memories. Memories make butterflies.

The friendship you have with your partner, your lover

is very very very important. It needs to be solid.

Whether is at home or a night out on the town.

Whether you have kids or you don't.

There should be NO excuses like... "no money".

At Home Dates:

 Play cards or a board game. Sounds cheesy but it brings back the days when you first started dating. It brings conversation. {very important}

Cuddle on the couch & watch a movie.

Remember NO house work, NO phones, NO children.

Pop some popcorn. Buy candy bars.

Make it out of the ordinary.

Cook a dinner & add candles to the table.

Bring out your wine glasses and beer mugs.

Make a menu for him to read. Sounds cheesy, but it'll feel different than your regular night supper.

There is SO much you can do.

Remember, a date doesn't have to be just dinner & a movie.

It can be as simple as a walk around the neighborhood.

Anything that you don't do on a normal bases, can be a date.

It doesn't have to be hours and hours either.

Use you imagination.

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Conversation.

 PART 1.

I believe having dinner at the table {as a family} is very important.

No TV. No phones. Just you and your family.

It may only be 15  minutes but it's 15 minutes spent together

with conversation.

It also helps you stay connected.

No. We don't have kids however Aaron and I do sit together at our dinner table.

Sure... sometimes we don't & get lazy or in a hurry to miss a show.

But 95% of the time we sit and eat and talk.

Conversation PART 2

Communication.

Wow. This was mine & Aaron's biggest battle to overcome.

He isn't an argue-er. He's one who shows emotion in silence. I am opposite.

I wear it on my shoulders. I must discuss it & must discuss it.

The two don't mesh well.

You have to talk about what is going on. What made you upset.

What you did or didn't like. What made you happy.

I used to freak out and use my outside voice when he
made my blood rush all over my body because of something I didn't like.
Yeah well, that got me no where. He'd walk away. I'd follow. He'd then completely
ignore me. I'd get louder. Now the situation is out of control & ANYTHING you tell him
he is not hearing or listening... or gives a damn. You are disrespecting him.

How we got over this: Aaron learned to treat me like a child, in which I needed.
{at the time if you told me this, Ohhhhh buddy...}
Aaron would say,
"Until you can talk to me about it without raising your voice, I'm not going to talk to you."

Ohhh yes, it pissed me off. However, he wouldn't.
I had to learn to grasp control over my temper/mood/blood pressure.

When ANYONE is in this rage, they say & do things they regret later.

I've come a L.O.N.G way. I've learned to breath & walk away from him to give myself enough time to gather my thoughts & go back and talk to him.
Aaron still to this day struggles with confrontation. He hates it. He runs front it.
But it is a must. He's learned that until I talk about what it is that bothered me to him..
and until he gives me the "I'm trying to understand" that I am looking for... it's settled.
There is no pretending either just to shut me up. It's taken a long time.
It's a fine line called {respecting each other} that has to be defined.

Do you see the LOVE & RESPECT circle?
I talk to him like a human & my lover {respect}
He listens and tries to comprehend what's happened. {love}

Read the book. It will give you views in SO many directions you'll want to come to Georgia and put your arms around me and tell me you love me. But first, read "The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Marriage."

It's how you come across to him.

Go back up to Love & Respect and if you follow through with the circle

of giving and receiving... communication comes much smoother.

Something Aaron's grandmother wrote me in an "Advice Card" at one

of my showers was

"Never get mad at your husband in front of anyone. Don't talk bad about him to anyone & never point out his faults in front of anyone. This way he always knows you are behind him & have his back at all times. Make sure he visits his grandmother very often."

His grandmother has been with him grandfather since they were 17 years old.

Married for 53 years.

This REALLY stuck with me. Matter of fact, it's the only thing I can remember out of

all the different cards besides "never go to bed angry."

I never realized how many times I point him out in front of people or

bust him out for things he did or didn't do. I may be joking, but really I'm not. But I am.

I did this a lot. I still have to watch myself. But it's so true.

When I try to understand his decisions rather than judge them,

I get a husband who then turns and wants my point of view or whatever the situation may be.

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Always desire your husband.

As much as we need to be desired, they do too.

Kiss him when he walks in the door. Wink at him in a room full of people.

Smile just because.

Let him know you are totally into him without saying it.

Or say it.

{Actions speak louder}

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Look good for your lover.

This is something I believe in quite a bit.

I absolutely love comfy clothes. My husband despises me wearing sweat pants.

This bothered me for a long time but it made sense after time.

Clearly my husband doesn't like the "baggy" look. He's more of a fitted type.. on me that is.
Aaron is NOT the type to say, I like that outfit or No maybe you should wear this?
Or notice my new hair or those shoes look better. Remember, he is a T-shirt & jeans... very simple kind of guy. However, when he does voice his opinion about a look, I know he really believes it. Okay, so back to sweat pants. He really doesn't like me wearing them.
Would you believe me when I tell you that he will rip them off of me. Seriously.
No in any hostile manner. It's mainly to make a point.

I work 8 hours a day with a 35 minutes drive to work to & from.

I am with him from around 6:45pm to 6:15am on the week days and

weekends... pretty much always.

I put make up on to present myself at work. My hair is in place &

my clothes are matching/ironed/cute/etc.

I make sure I look good for my clients & everyone around me...
why wouldn't I try to look presentable at home too? That's when he sees me.

When I get home, I change into something like Yoga pants or shorts or cute pj's. I remove my make up & throw my hair up. Sometimes it's down. If I feel yucky or unattractive.. I may let it slide. But I do stay clear away from the sweats.

What I'm saying is physical appearance is important.

If I want to wear a t-shirt.. I'm make sure my bottoms are cute & fitted.

If I don't feel in the "fitted pants" mood, I don't wear them but Iwill wear a tank top or something like that. Something fitted up top.

He is what I should be striving to look good for.

You can have no make up on and still look presentable.

Yeah sure, your husband loves you for you. However, he loves a good look.

That's what caught his eye in the first place, right? 

Take a look.

Which of these people would you say your man would

prefer or not prefer.

Both examples are the same person.

You pick.

Here is an example of NOT WEARING MAKE UP

and still looking presentable.

You pick.

You tell me.

Same person. Beautiful person at that.

And those my friends are my main points of keeping a relationship alive.

Of course there will be low moments & in-a-rut moments that come along but for the most part if you strive for these things. Your smile will out shine anything else around you.

So, what are your {relationship must-haves}?

Do share! please!

I love reading and hearing other relationships & well as working on my own.

Oh and last thing...

Many many times when Aaron and I would be ... broken up

or struggling, I heard

"Relationships should not be this much work, Jessica."

I totally disagree. A relationship with anyone is work.

Let alone your lover, your husband, or your wife.

It's work every day. But it's a fun work if you choose to make it that way.

And it pays off better than any dollar amount paycheck.

The End.