inside a relationship: take two

I would like to start off by expressing my love & gratitude
for all your sweet comments on my {inside a relationship} post a few days ago. I was so happy to see my words help you feel loved & supported.
Please know that is was my friends words who did the same thing to me
2.5 years ago. I hope you all open up & except yourself as a struggling wife or a learning wife. It's okay. Struggling may be considered stormy, but it's the rough patches that bring us to bigger better places. I've learned that. As long as you're willing to get to the bottom of it and make a difference - I believe you can overcome anything.

I wish you all can understand how much a a roller coaster ride my 11 years with Aaron has been. The best way I can get you to understand our {once upon a time} struggles is watch the movie, {The Break-Up}. When that came out, we had just gotten back together - went to see it & I'd say it was awkward for us. We were them {minus the comedy}. I can bet more than half my town {which is super small} never saw us getting married. So if you feel at the bottom of your unwinding relationship,
pick up {The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Marriage} and/OR
{Love & Respect} and read it.

You can thank me later.
Moving along....

I've been following Kelly from Kellys Korner for a while now.
Sadly, I haven't ever been a true follower. Until today. I saw her blog from another blog discussing what they were giving up for LENT.
On her header at the top of the page, I saw {Show Us Your Life}. I clicked & saw a listing of all things she discusses on Fridays through this link-up. Of course, my first eye catcher was {Marriage Advice}.

When I first started to read her marriage advice, I felt silly. Super silly.
Why? Because the first thing she stated was this...

"I have been married almost 8 years but I have to say - I don't like giving advice because I don't feel like I have it all figured out myself. I will share a few things I have learned."


Here I am, or there I was just a few days ago giving my advice
& I've only been married for shy of 6 months.
I immediately wanted to express myself & stress to everyone who read my post that day & the days to follow just how much I don't know about marriage. Clearly I have a long way to go. So, before I go any further I want to clarify my words & base them on any relationship between a man & a woman who are married or maybe see themselves being married somewhere in your future. I did state that I was writing what I thought helped a marriage OR possible marriage one day - but I wanted to make it understood.
Clearly I haven't learned or developed my thoughts based on just shy of six months.

I want you all to understand that my amazing friend Rachel came to me the December {2009} before getting engaged with the book that changed me -
the book that I believe was the best thing I ever did for myself and my relationship with Aaron. We were not even engaged yet & at a good place. But education and maybe a different way of seeing things is never a bad thing to look into. It wasn't until a whole year later we got engaged. And I truley believe our relationship grew stronger that year {2010} by my changes & realization on certain things. He never knew what was in that book.
So please understand, I clearly am not saying this is the way to go. But I do encourage it. THESE reasons are the {must haves} to a strong marriage/relationship {my opinion}. They are what I believe in. They are what I've learned in two years of studying how to be the wife God intended me to be. They've brought me to a much happier place.

I struggle of course. Everyday, all the time.
But I know we are solid. When I get weak and see these things lacking, I pick the
book back up and start reading. Reminding myself & encouraging myself.

So enough of that.
Back to {inside a relationship. take two}.

I think I've mentioned before that I am in a book study every Tuesday night
with a few friends of mine. We are studying "The Politically Incorrect Wife."
Great book & it's recommended.

Yesterday, I read chapter 8 and it covered how your husband is put first.
Over your parents, your friends, hobbies{blog} & even your children.
It totally touched me in so many ways.  I went over how the author once asked her husband "If you could change one thing about me, what would you change."
Instantly he replied, "I would change your mothering habits."
Wow! That hit home. If you were to ask me if I thought I "mothered" Aaron.
I would have said "No! No way." - however when it gave me examples -
It put me in my spot immediately.
It states {be your husbands wife. he already has a mother.}
Just think about it. Your husband or lover is your greatest friend, do your friends outside of your relationship with your lover "mother' you? Probably not.
Basically, if he wants to wear a certain thing. {me!} Let him. He is a big boy.  Don't remind him of his beer belly. Don't nag at him for leaving the clothes on the floor or the wet towels on the floor {me!} Don't treat him like a child. Respect him as your husband &
let him make his choices. He is the leader of your household.

This is something I am now working on. When I came home from study, I planned to ask Aaron that same question. However, he was exhausted from work and not really in his peppy mood. I decided to save it for later - a better time when I'd get the true answer.
I'd love for you to ask your men this & comment back with what he says.

Back to today / Running into Kellys blog.

I ran into her blog after commenting on Aly's post on participating in LENT.
I hopped over to her blog & she shared pretty much the same thing I shared with Aly.
I thought it was ironic.

{Is this GOD speaking to me?}

Okay, {getting off track here, sorry.} so she shared this link-up back on June 22, 2011.
I went back and read most every ones advice. I copied their addresses down linking to their advice and plan to share some of them next Tuesday at book study.
I also want to share them with you.

My advice topics were:
---------------------
♥ Love & Respect.
Respect your husband

♥ Never stop dating.
Date Nights

♥Conversation/Communication
with Family
HOW you come across/tone of voice

♥Desire your husband always

♥Your appearance

to read everything written out, go here.

Be sure to read Kellys advice. I knew I was drawn to this blog for a reason
because she started out with {Love & Respect} quoting the same
verses from the bible as I was sharing the other day. God is good!

Meet Whitney. {Married for 2.5 years} Another {Love & Respect} + some advice. Instantly felt connected to this post. I love how she urges couples to {argue} & to do things separately.

Kristen said two things that really struck my heart.
She mentions something her MIL taught her & something I've heard before but never paid attention to. She mentions how {women set the tones for their home}. LOVED that.
She also states at the very end {separate rooms for TV watching} - This is a rule in our home. No TV in our bedroom. Never. Think about it.

Kat wrote something that totally struck me.
She discussed how it was importany to keep your love private. Something
I'm very guilty of... only NOT keeping it private.

THIS newly wed made me feel sane, however she discuss the importance
of {getting intimate} in a marriage. I believe sex is very important.
Very important. Extremely.

I really loved Andreas advice on how important it is to be teammates.
It's a must read.

Remember how I ended my first post talking about how much
work a relationship really is. Well, Taylin shared advice that was
given to her by her parents. It's very short & sweet but I felt drawn to her dad's advice
because with mine and Aaron's worst {lowest} point in our relationship, I realized how much work is put into it. I felt if her Dad was in front of me when reading that, I would have hugged him very tight. I even gave her a shout out to give to him.

Lori gives a handful of advice but very much heart felt.
I love how she discusses how {Love is not a fairytale}. I agree with her however
I do believe in fairytale. I just believe everyone love story {& if you're married you have one} has their own fairytale. But yes, I do agree with what she says.

Courtney has a guest blogger that she linked-up. Starts with discussing the book {The Language of Love & Respect} but also  covers how you can get in a icky spot if you are one to read romance novels. Good story.

Ohhh there is SO many. I'm getting something from ALL of them.
I have several more I'd love to point out, but I'd be here all day with 132 {Marriage Advice} post.  Go back to Kellys Korner and find this post under her headline pages -so worth it. I'm still reading of them as I'm typing this post.

But before I wrap it up. I want you to visit Hannah.
Hannah didn't give advice. However she
shared a questionnaire that I plan to do with Aaron sometime this week.
It's really great.

And last but not least.
This is probably my newest favorite blog/website. I'll be here for some time, I know it.  Meet Courtney from WomanLivingWell.Org.
Wow. I'm overwhelmed with excitement. Read it. Mark it. Add it to your favorites.
Make sure to watch all of her sidebar videos - and don't miss out on the first video
where is visits The Rachel Ray show. Amazing!

She also provides a wonderful {FREE} printable
on Love & Respect here.
It's amazing & I'm started TODAY.

--------------------------------------------------

Last thing I promise.
Kat {mentioned up there} also shared an Emily Post Etitquette.I'm a die hard fan of Emily Post. But this was soemthing I really enjoyed reading.

How many times has one heard some one say: “I won’t dress for dinner—no one is coming in.” Or, “That old dress will do!” Old clothes! No manners! And what is the result? One wife more wonders why her husband neglects her! Curious how the habit of careless manners and the habit of old clothes go together. If you doubt it, put the question to yourself: “Who could possibly have the manners of a queen in a gray flannel wrapper? And how many women really lovely and good—especially good—commit esthetic suicide by letting themselves slide down to where they “feel natural” in an old gray flannel wrapper, not only actually but mentally. The woman of charm in “company” is the woman of fastidiousness at home; she who dresses for her children and “prinks” for her husband’s home-coming, is sure to greet them with greater charm than she who thinks whatever she happens to have on is “good enough.” Any old thing good enough for those she loves most! Think of it!

why {Your Appearance} is important. I absoutlely L.O.V.E.D this. Everything about it. It falls under my examples of

inside a relationship.

"Couples that play together, Stay together."

Saw this quote today & it drew me into writing this post.

I really loved it.

I've been wanting to write about my thoughts on relationships {between lovers}

for some time now. I'm not a therapist nor is my relationship perfect.

Far from it. However, I will admit that mine & my husbands relationship from day one

has been one heck of  a ride. Gosh, to try to describe our highs & lows in words is very tough. Very tough but today it's stronger than ever.

And it is NOT because I am a newly wed.

 Not everybody or every relationship is always {Peaches N Cream} all the time.

But what makes a relationship last?

What keeps the spark flaring?

 What is it a couple has to do to stay in touch and

hold a close bond?

I have a few theories based on my own experiences.

I do not think two people have to have the same interests nor do they have to be

just a like to make it.

Of course in the beginning you are attracted to the same thing. "I'm up for anything" is said a lot & as long as you're together doing whatever is okay.

But most of the time it's all an act. It's the eye catcher.

My Bachelor fans, do you really think Ben is going to find his wife based on her swimming with sharks? Ummm.. no.

Or being able to face anything together because Linzi jumped out of a helicopter with him... facing her fears? No. She wanted a rose.

 I love Aaron very very much.

I still to this day would not swim with sharks for him. Never. I could barely swim with stingrays. Oh yeah. How could I forget. I removed myself from that adventure due to not being able to follow directions by keeping my feet planted in the sand. Instead, you found me in the fetal positions pressed against someone {anyones} back or front side... screaming like a child swimming from these monstrous creatures so kindly would swim directly at you and then rub their disgusting ... skin? flesh? whatever it is on your body.
so not me. but totally aaron. He was on top of the world.
Did I mention this 1.5 hours off the Cayman Island. This was not in a "trained tank".
These monstrous creatures were wild. Not my cup of tea.

Back on track. Sorry.

You do things in the beginning that your love interest wants you to do because you have a major crush on that person. But that does NOT define a relationship.

Pretending to be someone or loving something that you really don't is NOT how it works.

It causes major issues later down the road.

  I used to LOVE to fish. {hated it.}

Now, it's more of  "Okay, have a wonderful weekend with the guys babe. Catch a bigg'en!"

While I stay back on the fishing trip and do my own thing.

I'm totally okay with that. And he is too because if I were there...

He & I both would be miserable.

First, I want to share the best thing I ever did for my relationship.

I owe so much to a very close friend of mine, a best friend for sharing this with me

back in late 2009. Aaron and I just had a good year but not a solid year.

It was on it's way to a very strong relationship between the two to of us.

Why? Because I read this book.

I listened to these words and short {real life} stories and brought them

into my lifestyle.

"The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Marriage."

Nancy Cobb

If you are interested, which I HIGHLY recommend every woman who is

married or with someone they can see themselves with for a lifetime to purchase & read this book. You can get it here.

{stay on track}

Okay.

I'm going to share some of the things I believe keep

a relationship healthy - which means happy.

Really happy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

is a {must have} in your relationship.

The book {Love & Respect} was read last year.

Basically the main thing I learned from this book was

Men = Respect

Woman = Love

Of course we both want respect as well as we want love but here is the key.

If a woman doesn't give her man Respect, he will shun her from love.

Once that happens, the woman no longer gives respect waiting for her man to show her love. 

And its goes around and around in a circle and before you know it...

you have a big argument. you have stubbornness. you are in a fight.

Until someone jumps out? Yep! This happens to everyone under many different circumstances.

A lot of us live by "Well, if he did this.... I'd do this more."

Or "Maybe if he thanked me & appreciated me more, I'd ____."

Right?

Yeah, well maybe if us women, as a wife would _______ he'd be more lovable {appreciative}.

Right? And it goes round and round. It's a circle.

I ask you to please read this story to understand the Circe of Love & Respect

fully based on His & Her Needs. It's truly inspiring but AFTER you read the rest of

what I have to say.

here we go.

---------------------------------------------------------

"Never stop dating your husband
And never forget to flirt with your wife."

This saying, this quote is hanging up in our living room &

something we plan to always focus on.

Date nights.

 I believe they are very important.

Cell phones off. No work.

Just the two of you & laughter.

Laughter makes memories. Memories make butterflies.

The friendship you have with your partner, your lover

is very very very important. It needs to be solid.

Whether is at home or a night out on the town.

Whether you have kids or you don't.

There should be NO excuses like... "no money".

At Home Dates:

 Play cards or a board game. Sounds cheesy but it brings back the days when you first started dating. It brings conversation. {very important}

Cuddle on the couch & watch a movie.

Remember NO house work, NO phones, NO children.

Pop some popcorn. Buy candy bars.

Make it out of the ordinary.

Cook a dinner & add candles to the table.

Bring out your wine glasses and beer mugs.

Make a menu for him to read. Sounds cheesy, but it'll feel different than your regular night supper.

There is SO much you can do.

Remember, a date doesn't have to be just dinner & a movie.

It can be as simple as a walk around the neighborhood.

Anything that you don't do on a normal bases, can be a date.

It doesn't have to be hours and hours either.

Use you imagination.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Conversation.

 PART 1.

I believe having dinner at the table {as a family} is very important.

No TV. No phones. Just you and your family.

It may only be 15  minutes but it's 15 minutes spent together

with conversation.

It also helps you stay connected.

No. We don't have kids however Aaron and I do sit together at our dinner table.

Sure... sometimes we don't & get lazy or in a hurry to miss a show.

But 95% of the time we sit and eat and talk.

Conversation PART 2

Communication.

Wow. This was mine & Aaron's biggest battle to overcome.

He isn't an argue-er. He's one who shows emotion in silence. I am opposite.

I wear it on my shoulders. I must discuss it & must discuss it.

The two don't mesh well.

You have to talk about what is going on. What made you upset.

What you did or didn't like. What made you happy.

I used to freak out and use my outside voice when he
made my blood rush all over my body because of something I didn't like.
Yeah well, that got me no where. He'd walk away. I'd follow. He'd then completely
ignore me. I'd get louder. Now the situation is out of control & ANYTHING you tell him
he is not hearing or listening... or gives a damn. You are disrespecting him.

How we got over this: Aaron learned to treat me like a child, in which I needed.
{at the time if you told me this, Ohhhhh buddy...}
Aaron would say,
"Until you can talk to me about it without raising your voice, I'm not going to talk to you."

Ohhh yes, it pissed me off. However, he wouldn't.
I had to learn to grasp control over my temper/mood/blood pressure.

When ANYONE is in this rage, they say & do things they regret later.

I've come a L.O.N.G way. I've learned to breath & walk away from him to give myself enough time to gather my thoughts & go back and talk to him.
Aaron still to this day struggles with confrontation. He hates it. He runs front it.
But it is a must. He's learned that until I talk about what it is that bothered me to him..
and until he gives me the "I'm trying to understand" that I am looking for... it's settled.
There is no pretending either just to shut me up. It's taken a long time.
It's a fine line called {respecting each other} that has to be defined.

Do you see the LOVE & RESPECT circle?
I talk to him like a human & my lover {respect}
He listens and tries to comprehend what's happened. {love}

Read the book. It will give you views in SO many directions you'll want to come to Georgia and put your arms around me and tell me you love me. But first, read "The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Marriage."

It's how you come across to him.

Go back up to Love & Respect and if you follow through with the circle

of giving and receiving... communication comes much smoother.

Something Aaron's grandmother wrote me in an "Advice Card" at one

of my showers was

"Never get mad at your husband in front of anyone. Don't talk bad about him to anyone & never point out his faults in front of anyone. This way he always knows you are behind him & have his back at all times. Make sure he visits his grandmother very often."

His grandmother has been with him grandfather since they were 17 years old.

Married for 53 years.

This REALLY stuck with me. Matter of fact, it's the only thing I can remember out of

all the different cards besides "never go to bed angry."

I never realized how many times I point him out in front of people or

bust him out for things he did or didn't do. I may be joking, but really I'm not. But I am.

I did this a lot. I still have to watch myself. But it's so true.

When I try to understand his decisions rather than judge them,

I get a husband who then turns and wants my point of view or whatever the situation may be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Always desire your husband.

As much as we need to be desired, they do too.

Kiss him when he walks in the door. Wink at him in a room full of people.

Smile just because.

Let him know you are totally into him without saying it.

Or say it.

{Actions speak louder}

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Look good for your lover.

This is something I believe in quite a bit.

I absolutely love comfy clothes. My husband despises me wearing sweat pants.

This bothered me for a long time but it made sense after time.

Clearly my husband doesn't like the "baggy" look. He's more of a fitted type.. on me that is.
Aaron is NOT the type to say, I like that outfit or No maybe you should wear this?
Or notice my new hair or those shoes look better. Remember, he is a T-shirt & jeans... very simple kind of guy. However, when he does voice his opinion about a look, I know he really believes it. Okay, so back to sweat pants. He really doesn't like me wearing them.
Would you believe me when I tell you that he will rip them off of me. Seriously.
No in any hostile manner. It's mainly to make a point.

I work 8 hours a day with a 35 minutes drive to work to & from.

I am with him from around 6:45pm to 6:15am on the week days and

weekends... pretty much always.

I put make up on to present myself at work. My hair is in place &

my clothes are matching/ironed/cute/etc.

I make sure I look good for my clients & everyone around me...
why wouldn't I try to look presentable at home too? That's when he sees me.

When I get home, I change into something like Yoga pants or shorts or cute pj's. I remove my make up & throw my hair up. Sometimes it's down. If I feel yucky or unattractive.. I may let it slide. But I do stay clear away from the sweats.

What I'm saying is physical appearance is important.

If I want to wear a t-shirt.. I'm make sure my bottoms are cute & fitted.

If I don't feel in the "fitted pants" mood, I don't wear them but Iwill wear a tank top or something like that. Something fitted up top.

He is what I should be striving to look good for.

You can have no make up on and still look presentable.

Yeah sure, your husband loves you for you. However, he loves a good look.

That's what caught his eye in the first place, right? 

Take a look.

Which of these people would you say your man would

prefer or not prefer.

Both examples are the same person.

You pick.

Here is an example of NOT WEARING MAKE UP

and still looking presentable.

You pick.

You tell me.

Same person. Beautiful person at that.

And those my friends are my main points of keeping a relationship alive.

Of course there will be low moments & in-a-rut moments that come along but for the most part if you strive for these things. Your smile will out shine anything else around you.

So, what are your {relationship must-haves}?

Do share! please!

I love reading and hearing other relationships & well as working on my own.

Oh and last thing...

Many many times when Aaron and I would be ... broken up

or struggling, I heard

"Relationships should not be this much work, Jessica."

I totally disagree. A relationship with anyone is work.

Let alone your lover, your husband, or your wife.

It's work every day. But it's a fun work if you choose to make it that way.

And it pays off better than any dollar amount paycheck.

The End.