Friday, April 8, 2011

Todays Journal

I'm seriously struggling with....
Myself? Other people? Or am I lost & confused. Defintiely lost & confused.
 That's how I feel anyway.
I'm so happy with life right now and everything in it. I have so much going for me. I have the most incredible man GOD could have ever blessed me with, who I'm getting married to in less than five months.
I have so much love & support from my family, as always. I'm surrounded by the best group of friends a woman can ask for. Daily life is extremely happy and everything... well I would like to say everything, but 99.0% of things are going better than I could ever ask for.

As I sit here and think to myself, I ask Who am I?
My answer: I'm a nice person. I love people. I love to make people happy. I strive to make people happy.
I never meet a stranger. Can't stand to see someone "left out". Include everyone as much as possible.
I have a hugh heart. I know this. I am a nice person.

Why... Why am I getting the brunt end of everything? I always have.
I  seriously feel bitterness and anger coming out in me... I've never been a bitter person.
People [some who know me very well, some who don't know me from a hole in the wall] keep starting jibber jabber or voicing their opinions about me that are throwing me for a loop. Thats where the confusion comes in. Why are people talking about me? I'm not even saying like... {Oh, I'm 12 and she is talking about me, can you believe it} It's more of...
Why is my name coming out of your mouth. I am here, in my own world having nothing to do with you...
why is it ME out of all people you pick to voice your opinion about.
To this person in particular - The last time I was around [it], [it] was sitting by itself all lonesome while everyone was being entertained and I made a point to include [it]. That was two years ago, so why am I even being mentioned? Why are you saying negative things about me? Why am I a concern? And I'm supposed to pay $75 for you to attend my wedding? Negative. You should be ashamed of yourself. And when you wonder why you didn't recieve an invite, be sure to do a self check.
Recently, I had a mysterious visitor in my professional job asking to speak to me outside.
Wants to ask me if I've been ugly about [it] on facebook. Seriously?
I have more to say about this but am going to withhold ALL of my personal feelings.
however [it] informed me [it] reads my blog...
Wow. [it] takes the time to read my personal blog and has the couth to come to my job
ask me something that [it] doesn't even know where it came from...
We don't even talk or communicate on a daily basis.
Quote: Someone told my someone that you were being ugly... I couldn't check it, so I figured I could
stop by your work beings I see your car everyday. Whaaatt?
Oh, can I see your ring? It's beautiful.
It... If you are reading now. Do us a favor and leave my blog. Get a grip.
If [it's] sister or childish buddies have something to say... Get off my blog. You should really take a look at yourself. I think you are your gang are nuttso. Never come to my job again. Ever.
This is my career. You have my blood steaming with... pissy-ness!
You are not welcomed here or there or anywhere around me.
The person who knows me... very very very well.
Why are you reading? I know you are. Why am I not important enough after 10 years to
fight through itty bitty stuff. Why am I not important enough to even comment back after reading my
You will always mean so much to me letter? Why do I waste time being sad and feeling lost while you hold your pride high. Why are you reading?
You always used to say, Jess everyone always picks you to tear apart. [laugh] I don't get it.
Well... welcome to the world of TEAM Jessica A____.
Why am I spending my happy time with a high burden? Because you are the piece missing.
Why am I letting you get the best of me? Because you mean that much to me.
Why are you reading?


Seriously, I know I {shouldn't let petty, issues get to me}. But that is who I am.
I care.
I know GOD doesn't give you anything you can't handle.
 The devil is winning this one. I'm struggling. But I will get strong.
I know I have other wonderful things in my life that I should be focused on.
You win.
I know time heals all wounds.
I've always been impatient.
I know everyone is going to respond with, Forget those people, Jess you are great, Don't let it bother you, write them off, or something really nice & uplifting.
Sometimes it feels good to feel pity. Venting is only natural.
I know I'm a nice person and have a big heart.
It's your loss. Or is it mine?

I'm going to make a vow right now to myself and free myself from
this bullpoop. I've let this linger too long.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for hearing me.
Thank you for leaving my blog and never coming back. But you can't. Apparently I'm addicting.

Happy FlippN Friday!

Oh & if I hear...

Her Blog...
Oh your blog...
The blog...

I will seriously, flip out. If you have issues with my blog in some way, Go ahead and laugh at yourself. Why would you follow or read if you have the slightest grief againist me?
 Thank you.

♥ jess