Monday, September 19, 2011

In Remembrance of my dearest friend

Cale Jesse Butler

Push Play
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011 was the start of a good day. It was a happy day for me because it was my last day of work for two weeks. Six o'clock that evening was the start of my wedding week. I wanted the world to know my excitement and happiness, therefore I shared it on facebook; "{5 hours} & then I'm free from the work world & my fairytale begins!"  Clearly I blog. I found my self not focused on work {I should be fired}and preparing all my blog posts for the week. They were poems about marriage. Two hours prior to clocking out I was in the middle of writing my "day of" wedding post, it was a letter to my soon to be husband. I was completely happy & so ready for the wedding fun to happen.

My phone vibrated. I thought,Danielle? I'm sure she is wants to hoot and holler about her best friend getting married, being she's done it all week.
"HeeLLLOO!" grinning insanely.
Immediately, I knew something was wrong. My heart dropped to the floor and I began to wonder as I heard Dani's voice shake. "Jess..."
I had no idea what to expect.
"Yeah... what's wrong babe?"
"I have some bad news..." Suddenly ... I don't even know how to explain my feelings, I went weak in the knees and my heart stopped. "Cj is gone."
Silence & Dani crying uncontrollably, hysterically.
"What?" This was far from what I could have imagined. I didn't even have tears at first. She began to tell me what happened. This could not be true. No way. What? Cj? Huh? My phone had a beep... it says, Hubby-to-be. Immediately I knew this was true. My happiness shattered to pieces. I was broken down and didn't know what to think or feel.
My best guy friend had just taken his life. No way. Not Cj. 
I can't even begin to explain my feelings or thoughts. For the next two days, I was completely devastated. I could not focus on what was really happening and my mind was not on wedding. Nor was it on the most important thing in my life, Aaron. This was by far the worst thing that could have ever gone wrong.
However, I had to close my mind from misery and focus. Of course, it was not easy to close out but it was what I wanted and needed to do to prepare myself for our wedding day..

We go way back...

This was my 21st birthday. Excuse the blurry photo.
{maroon & yellow striped shirt, with Danielle}

I'd say, Cj and I were close.
We went to high school together, but it wasn't until college when we got to know each other and developed a friendship. He and my best friend Danielle {Dani} were high school sweethearts. I started college in Fall of 2004. Cj and I attended the same college and had a class together. College years was where we bonded and made most our memories.
Dani and he rekindled their love & dated for the next couple of years before their lives took different roads. Danielle & myself were inseparable therefore I was around Cj all the time. Cj was a happy person, however I always described him as {Bi-Polar} but who am I to point fingers or say he was. I don't have a clue what real bi-polar is.
I thought this, because he had high and low moments.  {Was later informed what my bi-polar opinions were, were really depression}
Hands down one of the funniest persons I've ever known. Everything was comical. Everything was put on a twist. Very rare did we speak on a serious level. However, I can name on one hand the time we did.
They were usually about becoming who he/myself wanted to be or
love. Cj also had a down side. Though most people have never seen this side, he did. I felt he never thought he was where he wanted to be.
I felt he thought {at times} he wasn't good enough.
Oh but you are, Cj! I would tell him all the time.

I remember a time years ago when Aaron and I were on our outs and I had a night with some friends. Of course, I ran into Cj which was always a happy thing to do. After a few drinks, emotions were let out. One of the best, most serious conversations I ever had with him. While sitting in my car, I expressed my relationship & how it wasn't working or didn't work. While he helped me believe the heart ache would pass. He expressed his past relationship and how he "really loved her" but she chose another guy. It was a two hour conversation. I knew he was going through a hard time.  I'll never forget that conversation.
You have to know him. When I say he is a downer, it isn't me describing him as one of those annoying people who want attention, pretty much talking your ear off hoping you would tell them all the right things. He wasn't like that at all. Again, everything he did or said was comical. He was someone so special to so many people. It hurt {back then}terribly to know he didn't have confidence in himself. It hurts to know his confidence was worse than I thought. 

Cj was one of my favorite people, he knew this. He would light up a room full of people with his entrance. He had a sense of humor like I've never seen before. He was random & full of love, love to give. It breaks me to pieces assuming he didn't feel the love back. Or maybe space in his heart to love himself. His sense of humor was one of his best traits. That's a good trait to have.

{Tacky Sweater Christmas Party, 2009}

He was always opened arms to anyone and always ready for the next event. Cj was one of the most random people I've never had the privilege to know. Random in a good way. Random like the wasp tattooed on this rear end. He loved that wasp. He loved introducing him to people like the waffle house waitresses {this was years ago}. Only at 4am in the morning is that allowed. Maybe not allowed but accepted. Dare call him a Bee or a yellow jacket. This was a wasp only.

And smart? Very rare did he show anyone the serious side of him. One of my last moments spent with him was about two months ago. We were playing Taboo with a group of friends. If I didn't know him better, I would have said he read all the cards prior to playing. Things I had never heard before or things I knew but had no clue to begin how to describe. Any movie, person, object, etc. he had it.

This world is lessen of a good man. All the summers on the beach playing horseshoes, all the college parties attended, all the christmas parties, halloween parties, birthdays, and everyday gatherings... they won't be the same for any of us however he will always be there. He will always be here. Forever in my heart. He's one of a kind and the only person.

If you can hear me...

I think of you often everyday, just as I did before this tragedy. I'm so lost and confused on why you chose this for yourself. Ceej, I could have been there for you. I could have helped you. I see your face and it's just not real to me. Not you. I see your photos and it's as if we are playing the part of whatever was being photographed. Why? How? For what reason? You were a good person. You were an awesome person and had a great journey ahead. We all stumble across pot holes and get ourselves bogged down in mud.  It's our family and friends who help up pull us out. Why didn't you call anyone? You know I wouldn't have thought less of you. Why didn't you call? Maybe you see us all hurting. Maybe you don't. You were a lot to me and I'm so sad, Ceej. I'm sad. I'm so sad you are not here. I am so dang sad. I can do a remembrance post about you and yes, it makes me smile. You were joy. But I'm just sad when I really think about this horrible thing. I have no thoughts on why you did this. Maybes are being tossed around and I refused to believe those are the {maybe} reasons. It's just not enough for me. Did you know I loved and cared about you? Did you know you were special to so many of us? All I can do is hope. But if you did, why would this have happened? Why didn't you call or come over? You know we would've welcomed you with open arms. You knew that. I'm just having a hard time. I just can't understand or comprehend this action. I can't comprehend that you are not here.
You meant so much. I hope you knew that. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Forever in my heart, everyday.
I love you Ceej, always.



Anonymous said...

:( I am so sorry! That is horrible, I will be praying for y'all for peace & comfort!

Stephanie said...

oh my goodness. I am so so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking about you girly. Stay strong. 0:)

Lindsi said...

I. am. so. so. so. so. very sorry for your loss, Jessica :( I hate that you have experienced such heartache surrounding one of the most special events of your life. I've lost a good friend in the same manner and having all those questions and 'what-if's' stinks for those of us left behind! Keep your head up, don't question yourself or friendship, and remember to use this as a lesson to reach out to others who might be dealing with similiar issues. Again, I'm sorry :( Sending plenty of prayers and hugs your way, girlfriend!

Jesslyn Amber said...

I am so so sorry for the loss of your best friend. I can't imagine what you have been going through these past few weeks. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

J and A said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Hugs.

DeeJay said...

Im so sorry for your loss. I have dealt with loss a lot in my life and I know the confusion you must be going through.
You may never get the answers to your questions Jess, but know that God is there. Its a hard thing to get through. I will be saying a prayer for you and CJ's family.
Keep your chin up girl.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie, what a tragedy. No one will ever understand (or at least I won't) what drives people to suicide. It puzzles my mind. I had a friend (many years ago) that took his life & he just never seemed to be that kind of guy. I would have never imagined it. I'm not sure that anyone will ever have the answers. I pray for your peace & comfort as well as those that were close to CJ. Lots of love and prayers

Ali said...

Oh girl. I know that feeling. Just today, one of my friends lost her baby to SIDS at 5 months old. I know that sinking feeling and I know how hard it is. I'm so sorry. But know he's out of whatever pain he was in that caused him to do such a terrible thing.

Erin said...

SO Sorry for you girl!! I'll be praying for y'all!!

People say that I'm a DREAMER said...

So sorry for your loss! Try not to think of the maybes and what-ifs too much, the unanswerable questions can help you heal but can also keep you dwelling on such a sad, sad memory. Remember, like it seems that you have been doing, the great memories that make you laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh again, remember your friend for the person he was while he was a live. These are things that helped me through my friends death nearly four years ago. Keeping you, your friends, CJ and his family in my prayers.

Jessica and Stephan said...

I'm so sorry for your loss :( But I am glad to see that you are trying to remember the good memories, and celebrate his life. Take comfort in your family and friends, and Aaron. And, its ok to cry sometimes and let it out.

sweetcanadian said...

I am sorry to hear you had to deal with this right before the most happiest day of your life. It will forever shadow your day.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, my uncle committed suicide 4 years ago September 2nd & it is still hard, i still cry & try to figure out how he thought it was so bad he had to do that. The biggest thing with taking ones life is the questions it always leaves behind & the helplessness one feels at not being able to do anything, not noticing or knowing that this was going to happen to them.

Good luck getting through this.

Heather said...

So sorry for your loss. Thankful that you have a ton of great memories through this time. Keeping all of you in my prayers throughout this time.

Elaine said...

He was an angel here and now he is an angel in heaven. He is hanging with Lu and they are laughing and pointing at all of us. I miss them both.

Michelle said...

My father committed suicide on Mother's Day 2010. A friend of my daughter's (13 years old) committed suicide 2 weeks ago. This makes my heart ache. Here is a poem I found and used at my father's funeral. May you find peace and healing.

"The moment that you died, my heart was torn in two, one side filled with heartache,
the other died with you. I often lie awake at night, when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane, with tears upon my cheeks. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday, but missing you is heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain."

~Author Unknown~

Kristi said...

I know exactly how you feel. My uncle took his life a year ago. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Praying for you and all his friends and family.

Victoria said...

So sorry for your loss, Jessica. This made me cry! I am praying for you & I know you are strong!

Marcy XOXO said...

I have been really sick so unfortunately I am just now reading this.... I had been wondering what happened to him. Geesh this brings back horrible memories for me Jess. My Mom's brother took his life when I was 7 and I found him! Such a horrible and selfish thing one can do. I often wonder the why's and it sucks! I hope you find peace sweetie! Thinking of you. *HUGS*

Chelsie Jean said...

This blog broke my heart, Jess. He was such a rare gem and everyone who knew him would agree. I love you, Jess. Still thinking about you!

Ashley said...

Oh Jess! I am so sorry for your loss. This was such a sweet post to remember the good times and good qualities about your friend.

Katie straub said...

I was in cj's graduating class and though I don't have many happy memories from school, remembering cj's stunts always brought a smile to my face. I only remember him as the funny outgoing class clown that people would naturally gravitate towards because he was so charismatic. About once a year, something triggers the thought, "I wonder what CJ's up to" and It saddens me that he had this other side that he felt he couldn't share with anyone. He brought so much light into everyone's life. I just found out today and I wish he knew how many people's lives he actually touched. I know I never told him.