In Remembrance of my dearest friend

Cale Jesse Butler

"Cj"

Push Play Tuesday, August 30th, 2011 was the start of a good day. It was a happy day for me because it was my last day of work for two weeks. Six o'clock that evening was the start of my wedding week. I wanted the world to know my excitement and happiness, therefore I shared it on facebook; "{5 hours} & then I'm free from the work world & my fairytale begins!"  Clearly I blog. I found my self not focused on work {I should be fired}and preparing all my blog posts for the week. They were poems about marriage. Two hours prior to clocking out I was in the middle of writing my "day of" wedding post, it was a letter to my soon to be husband. I was completely happy & so ready for the wedding fun to happen.  
My phone vibrated. I thought,Danielle? I'm sure she is wants to hoot and holler about her best friend getting married, being she's done it all week."HeeLLLOO!" grinning insanely.Immediately, I knew something was wrong. My heart dropped to the floor and I began to wonder as I heard Dani's voice shake. "Jess..."I had no idea what to expect."Yeah... what's wrong babe?" "I have some bad news..." Suddenly ... I don't even know how to explain my feelings, I went weak in the knees and my heart stopped. "Cj is gone."Silence & Dani crying uncontrollably, hysterically."What?" This was far from what I could have imagined. I didn't even have tears at first. She began to tell me what happened. This could not be true. No way. What? Cj? Huh? My phone had a beep... it says, Hubby-to-be. Immediately I knew this was true. My happiness shattered to pieces. I was broken down and didn't know what to think or feel.My best guy friend had just taken his life. No way. Not Cj. I can't even begin to explain my feelings or thoughts. For the next two days, I was completely devastated. I could not focus on what was really happening and my mind was not on wedding. Nor was it on the most important thing in my life, Aaron. This was by far the worst thing that could have ever gone wrong. However, I had to close my mind from misery and focus. Of course, it was not easy to close out but it was what I wanted and needed to do to prepare myself for our wedding day..
We go way back...
This was my 21st birthday. Excuse the blurry photo.{maroon & yellow striped shirt, with Danielle}
 I'd say, Cj and I were close. We went to high school together, but it wasn't until college when we got to know each other and developed a friendship. He and my best friend Danielle {Dani} were high school sweethearts. I started college in Fall of 2004. Cj and I attended the same college and had a class together. College years was where we bonded and made most our memories.Dani and he rekindled their love & dated for the next couple of years before their lives took different roads. Danielle & myself were inseparable therefore I was around Cj all the time. Cj was a happy person, however I always described him as {Bi-Polar} but who am I to point fingers or say he was. I don't have a clue what real bi-polar is.I thought this, because he had high and low moments.  {Was later informed what my bi-polar opinions were, were really depression}Hands down one of the funniest persons I've ever known. Everything was comical. Everything was put on a twist. Very rare did we speak on a serious level. However, I can name on one hand the time we did.They were usually about becoming who he/myself wanted to be orlove. Cj also had a down side. Though most people have never seen this side, he did. I felt he never thought he was where he wanted to be.I felt he thought {at times} he wasn't good enough.Oh but you are, Cj! I would tell him all the time. 

I remember a time years ago when Aaron and I were on our outs and I had a night with some friends. Of course, I ran into Cj which was always a happy thing to do. After a few drinks, emotions were let out. One of the best, most serious conversations I ever had with him. While sitting in my car, I expressed my relationship & how it wasn't working or didn't work. While he helped me believe the heart ache would pass. He expressed his past relationship and how he "really loved her" but she chose another guy. It was a two hour conversation. I knew he was going through a hard time.  I'll never forget that conversation.
 You have to know him. When I say he is a downer, it isn't me describing him as one of those annoying people who want attention, pretty much talking your ear off hoping you would tell them all the right things. He wasn't like that at all. Again, everything he did or said was comical. He was someone so special to so many people. It hurt {back then}terribly to know he didn't have confidence in himself. It hurts to know his confidence was worse than I thought.   

Cj was one of my favorite people, he knew this. He would light up a room full of people with his entrance. He had a sense of humor like I've never seen before. He was random & full of love, love to give. It breaks me to pieces assuming he didn't feel the love back. Or maybe space in his heart to love himself. His sense of humor was one of his best traits. That's a good trait to have.



{Tacky Sweater Christmas Party, 2009}
He was always opened arms to anyone and always ready for the next event. Cj was one of the most random people I've never had the privilege to know. Random in a good way. Random like the wasp tattooed on this rear end. He loved that wasp. He loved introducing him to people like the waffle house waitresses {this was years ago}. Only at 4am in the morning is that allowed. Maybe not allowed but accepted. Dare call him a Bee or a yellow jacket. This was a wasp only. 
 And smart? Very rare did he show anyone the serious side of him. One of my last moments spent with him was about two months ago. We were playing Taboo with a group of friends. If I didn't know him better, I would have said he read all the cards prior to playing. Things I had never heard before or things I knew but had no clue to begin how to describe. Any movie, person, object, etc. he had it.

This world is lessen of a good man. All the summers on the beach playing horseshoes, all the college parties attended, all the christmas parties, halloween parties, birthdays, and everyday gatherings... they won't be the same for any of us however he will always be there. He will always be here. Forever in my heart. He's one of a kind and the only person. 

If you can hear me...

I think of you often everyday, just as I did before this tragedy. I'm so lost and confused on why you chose this for yourself. Ceej, I could have been there for you. I could have helped you. I see your face and it's just not real to me. Not you. I see your photos and it's as if we are playing the part of whatever was being photographed. Why? How? For what reason? You were a good person. You were an awesome person and had a great journey ahead. We all stumble across pot holes and get ourselves bogged down in mud.  It's our family and friends who help up pull us out. Why didn't you call anyone? You know I wouldn't have thought less of you. Why didn't you call? Maybe you see us all hurting. Maybe you don't. You were a lot to me and I'm so sad, Ceej. I'm sad. I'm so sad you are not here. I am so dang sad. I can do a remembrance post about you and yes, it makes me smile. You were joy. But I'm just sad when I really think about this horrible thing. I have no thoughts on why you did this. Maybes are being tossed around and I refused to believe those are the {maybe} reasons. It's just not enough for me. Did you know I loved and cared about you? Did you know you were special to so many of us? All I can do is hope. But if you did, why would this have happened? Why didn't you call or come over? You know we would've welcomed you with open arms. You knew that. I'm just having a hard time. I just can't understand or comprehend this action. I can't comprehend that you are not here. You meant so much. I hope you knew that. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
Forever in my heart, everyday. I love you Ceej, always.

♥ jess