Monday, May 21, 2012

Laying it ALL out on the line.



Not usually the one to be sad.
Not sure if I'm sad.
Not sure what I'm feeling deep inside.
Okay, so in general. I'm happy. I've always been a happy person.
I'm not one to look at the negative or see the worst in something. I live to
make memories and bring peace... finding the good.

I'm not a fan of Debbie-Downers or Negative Nancys.
Those two ladies DRIVE.ME.NUTTS-O.

I'm happy waking up. I'm happy going to work.  I'm happy at work. I'm happy coming home.  I'm happy in my marriage. I'm happy with my friendships. I'm happy with the people around me. I happy when I lay down at night to sleep.

That being said.
I am totally unhappy with myself, my appearance, my look...
better yet said as, I'm unhappy with how I feel about myself.
I've always been comfortable with who I am. I've never been one to play the
low self esteem card or wear it.
Whether I felt amazing about my body or gained extra pounds. Whether I'd have great skin one week and  the following week Fred & his friends visit my face galore.
Good or bad hair days, Good or bad makeup days...

I've always just been me and A-OKay with whatever happened.
I knew it was a phase and would come and go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I've gained 16 pounds....

SIXTEEN pounds since my honeymoon.
That is not okay with me.
I hate it. I don't like it. I feel horrible. I'm a lazy ass. End of story.
I actually lost 18 LBS for my wedding. But I did NOT feel this bad. I actually felt good.
I did not feel or as yuck as I do today.
I actually went Gluten Free for 2.5 weeks and even though I maybe lost like 6 lbs
I felt really good. Six pounds in 2.5 weeks was great.
And then I went on the cruise. Started out eating right and then proved I was from America and doubled my eating.
Eating GF was not as hard as I expected. I tell myself everyday just pick up and go GF starting tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I'm eating everything I see.

Everyday, I want to eat everything in site.
As if I've never ever eaten before.
What's up with that?
I'm not pregnant. Aunt Flo just left town yesterday.
Hallelujah! {TMI?}

I signed up for the gym. I haven't been ... not once.
I started doing work outs from our ON DEMAND {which are great}
but ... I didn't keep up.

I got lots of workouts clothes && tennis shoes
for Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas. The tags have NOT been taking off of the clothes
and only because of kick ball have I worn my tennis shoes... until I got cleats.
That's just sad. So sad.
I used to be able to drop weight like nothing.
It's true. The closer you get to your 30's the harder it is. And I'm sure it gets worse.
Basically, I'm lazy. I want motivation. I need it. I have none.
I'm wearing the sad face and playing the low self esteem card ---  I don't like it.


Also, before EVER thinking of getting pregnant, I want to have all of this under control.
I want to already be exercising on a regular basis.
 Speaking of exercise. Exercising is another lazy bone I have.
I think about it NON-stop! NON-STOP. All day long about how I need to just
run. Or do this. Or do that. And if I did, I know it would help everything.
 I plan in my head to get up early to run or do whatever and what happens. Sleep comes first and I don't get up in time to fit it in.

It really makes me angry inside that I have NO self motivation.
I know. It's me. All me. I sound so awful. I'm the person I hate listening to.
Randomly and unexpected I vowed to my husband while laying in bed last night...
I said it out loud {in a non-sad, tell me what I wanna hear} voice...

I wanna vow something to you...
Okay....
I vow to get back where I was in my weight.
.... What?
I promised myself before we got married that I would not get "comfortable" and let myself go, and I have. I have completely.
J, you look great. All the time. You have no let yourself go.
I've gained so much weight and it's ridiculous. I need to promise this to you, for you & for me.
Okay. Well I'm not vowing to you. You just may have to get fat Aaron.
Are you telling me you're trying to get fat? {laughing}
No. {laughing} but I'm probably not going to hold back on eating.

And then we went to bed.

I'm not writing this because I want to play the low self esteem card.
I'm writing this - sharing this because if I say it out loud I know I will be more accountable.

I'm Lazy. I'm not hungry. I'm Lazy.

 Starting EVERY Monday, I plan to post about my fitness & weight.
Not very blog interesting I know but I think this way I will work harder to reach my goals.

What are my goals?

I've set up a reunion/girls weekend for my very old girlfriends back from middle school.
We all moved away and ventured off. Some of us got married. Some of us have become Mommys, some of us... are still figuring it out.
But there are seven of us spending the weekend together in Florida the weekend of
July19th. These ladies are teeny-tiny. I don't want to be tiny. I will always have curves & hips. But I don't want to be the one skipping out on the group shot while drinking margaritas on the beach. Actually, I don't want to be the girl who can't quit figeting and thinking about what she looks like.
Also, I don't want to do this for anyone else. I want to do this for me.
I want to do this for me & my husband.
I want this for ME.

I want to loose not only the 16lbs I've gained but 10 more lbs.
That's right. a WOP-N' 26 lbs.

Due Date: July 19th
Weight Loss Goal: 26LBS
Fitness: Run a 5k before July 19th.

I have 60 days to get there.
I want this for ME.

I want to do this the right way.
Any tips or suggestions?
Please, I'd love to hear it from you.

Now.
 Who is ready for The Bachelorette?
ME. Me. Me!!!
I'm SO excited. Ready to see what's up!

Oh & I'm looking for a BLOG designer. I need a new look.
Please suggest some designers to me. Thanks.

37 comments:

katmcd said...

I've always liked your blog but this post is basically my brain. I love life but my stomach and I arent friends. I enjoy eating way too much when I know its bad for me and then I feel guilty when I eat. That being said, I got serious about it and have lost 9 pounds. The last few weeks have been a slip and slide but I promise to get back on track.

1st: Keep a picture or two of your goal somewhere you can see it. I have a whole pin board on pinterest regarding this!
2nd: Add it to your calendar. You don't bail on dinner with a friend or movie night, so you shouldn't bail on workout time if its written down or in your phone.
3rd: Does your hubbie have a gym membership too? Tag along. I go to the gym with Travis all the time now. If he can make time, I know I can too.
4th: I track my workouts with dailymile. Its that push to show me that I actually working out and it keeps me accountable.

Good luck boo. You look gorgeous but if you will be more comfortable then get her done.

Amy said...

Thank you for such an honest & heartfelt post. I too feel similar. I am so frustrated with myself that I cannot get the motivation to DO SOMETHING. I am unhappy with how I look and constantly think about it. Ugh! I am going to hop on the fit train with you- you're not alone on this!

Steph@ Living The Young Life said...

Jessica,
I remember not to long ago iwas writing a post like this you and you were one of the ones that told me to pretty much keep my head up!! so i am telling you to do the same... You have a goal now just go and accomplish it!!

Ashley said...

Great post bc I just went through all of this. I got married, had 2 kids and gained 40 pounds in the process. I battled all the time i need to diet i need to exercise but I never did it until one day something clicked in my head. So as of December 2011 i have lost 32 pounds!!! Ill be honest...if I can do it than anyone can.

Do you have My Fitness Pal ap?? If so look me up ashchilders83. I allo 1200 calories a day and I exercise at least 5 days a week. I feel so much better than i ever have in my life. Once you start and get over that initial hump you will want to do it all the time.

I have faith in you and know you can do it.....Go get it girl!!!!

Heather (GurleeGirrl) said...

First, the hard part is getting started and having your mind ready too! It appears you're there, and it sounds like you know what you need to do. I recently won a weightloss competition with some friends and will tell you that was incredible motivation! Winning money and being the top winner was huge for me. On the lines of being gluten free - I recommend cutting out processed foods too. I stuck to meat, veggies and fruits which worked for me - but everyone knows what will and won't work for them. Exercise is huge - but even taking walks with your hubby is getting you moving :) Good luck and I look forward to celebrating your progress with you!

Ashley said...

I am stuck in the same rut friend! The scale has been the same in 5 years, with minimal flucuation but the body has not... the skin has not and I think I am ready to finally do something about it, because like you, I get all pumped up to get started, but not to continue! UGH! I am interested in any plans you may have to get this done.

Nicole said...

I gained 50 lbs since I met and started dating my husband 5 years ago. I HATED how I looked in pictures and felt sick about myself. In the past 15 months, I have changed how I ate and exercised a little. NOTHING DRASTIC. I am down 25 lbs from where I was, and still working on the rest! I also have joined myfitnesspal, which has helped A LOT. You should try it out! Either way, you are beautiful-don't forget that!

Amber Young said...

You said what so many young newlyweds are thinking! I'm in the SAME boat. My husband has taken the hit harder than me but it's a silent trap to fall into once you get married.

We don't see it coming and we're not doing it on purpose...we're just .....HAPPY!

Skinny/healthy & happy IS possible!

Your post (along with your follower' comments) have motivated me to hold myself accountable (this time around)!

My problem is that I gain 4 lbs a year so it's not as noticeable and before I know it I've gained 20 lbs since high school! (5 years)

I look forward to your reading about your success!! You can do it!

Faith said...

girl, i understand exactly what you are saying. after my wedding i have gained so much weight. in 2011, i did so well with losing 20 lbs and then this year i have just lost the motivation. i now have to lose 8 of the lbs i gained back this year .... plus a million more that i gained since getting married. it is hard. i love food. but i just need to keep at it. every day is a struggle but every day is also a chance for me to get better. i will fail, i continue to fail but i will get there because i want to.

good luck to you! you can do it!

Erin said...

This post hit home to me!!! I got married last August and hated the way I looked at my wedding!!! Every time I look at my pictures I want to throw up. I was the biggest I had ever been and I hated it!!! I've since lost ten pounds, ran two 5Ks and trying to lose a little more. I got comfortable while me and hubby were dating. I gained 20 pounds (he gained nothing - go figure) and I want to lose that and a little more.
If you want to e-mail and keep each other accountable that sounds great! Maybe one day we could meet in the middle and run a 5K together?!
Can't wait to join in this with you. I feel the more people you have doing it with you the more likely you are to stick it out!
Good luck girl!!! :)

Cindy said...

Someone suggested this site for blog design: http://www.onceuponatime-designs.blogspot.com. She only charges $10 too! Have you tried the myfitnesspal app?? It's awesome for losing weight and tracking progress! Shannon @ lifeafteridew.com has a "Get Fit" tab that re-caps her weight loss journey. She's super inspiring! Go check her out (if you don't already follow her!) Good luck - you'll be glad to be fit when you are going through labor!! :)

Anngela said...

I highly suggest a detox to jumpstart your weight loss goal!! Choose the RIGHT one and they are amazingly helpful and beneficial! Check out Kaeng Raeng...it is all natural and definitely do-able; contrary to the unhealthy 'cleanses' it is not filled with laxatives or anything of the sort!!!...no excess bathroom trips or anything! After the detox it will allow for all your nutrients and future HEALTHY food intake to be absorbed fully, help with weight loss, remove bad toxins and it has tons of probiotics...AND it's Gluten Free! :) It's a very rejuvinating feeling after the 6 days and it helps tremendously with setting you in the right direction for working out and eating healthy. :)

I love the fitness apps as well! Seeing your weight loss goal number (and an actual graph!) decrease day by day is a huge motivation!!

Also, hang tons of pictures of the 'old you' or someone that will inspire you to get up and moving daily!! Also, check out the workout video 'Insanity.' It's geared for a 60 day weight loss challenge and uses NO equipment, so very do-able at home...sounds RIGHT up your ally! Perfect to take on after a good detox. :) Just remember, nothinig processed, less fat, less sugar, NO fad diets...you can do it. :)

Can't wait to see the progress girlie!

dottie said...

Drag my butt with you will you! I've been feeling the EXACT same.

Ashleigh Nichole said...

Take me with you please! I think my biggest problem is trying to find someone else who wants to work out with me as much as I do so I can loose the weight. I use to weigh soaking wet 90 pds all the way until my junior year in college then it changed I went from 90 pds to a wopping 115 & for me that was insane. I remember crying about it for the longest because I was and still am not comfortable with my weigh I am so self conscious that its not even funny so I truly see why you say the things you do but have faith & it will all work out as planned I promise!

Pamela said...

I am the exact same way! I do good exercising & then I get lazy! I have no motivation. Like you, I think about doing good all day long but never do anything! Ugh! Just love your blog :)

Jess said...

I feel you on the not feeling good part. Almost fifteen pounds literally melted off of me before my wedding (over the span of six months) and I felt amazing. I've slowly put about ten of that back on and I'm starting to feel the sluggishness, the aching in my knees when I go up stairs. I'm NOT ok with this, but I'm also LAZY. I'm that "I'll start tomorrow" girl, who eats Taco Bell "tomorrow" and just doesn't make it to the gym. Maybe I'll start setting mini goals and post on "Mini Goal Mondays." Just an idea. Thanks for making me realize I'm not the only person out there that knows I can feel better than I do now! We can do it!

Aunt Be said...

You just said what I have been thinking about for the past month, I need help too! Thanks for posting this! Glad to know I am not the only lazy person who likes to eat. :)

Linnea said...

I totally know what you are saying and I'm going through the same thing. I got married in July 2011 and I've gained about 20 lbs since then. And even at that time I had still gained weight from where I was years ago and want to be. I, like you, don't want to be tiny. I just want to be coomfortable with myself. I know that I am most likely to stick to a routine if I do my workout in the morning. I'm hoping to really start this tomorrow morning. Good luck to you and feel free to send any tips my way!

shay said...

i feel you on this post big time. i am lazy. period. end of story. SIGH. i just can't seem to find the motivation. and when i do have the motivation, i don't have the time because of work or other committments. i'm totally interested in your plans to find the motivation so keep us posted!

PS. you are still GORGEOUS! hope you know that!

Kelli Herrington said...

I think that there are so many people just like you. Girl I signed up for weight watchers and blogged about it thinling it would help make me do it..psshhh I havent even begin to do it so
i wasted a month already out of my 3 months period. Ive got a wedding ive got to be in July 21st and I dont know why I am just sit back waiting to loose weight and not doing anything.

♥ Candice said...

You've just described down to the t how I've felt for the last two and a half years!

Ashley said...

I feel ya girl! I used to go to yoga regularaly & haven't been for a good 18 months now. I miss that. It really makes your muscles feel amazing & clears your mind. Oh and tell me why I do absolutely NO excersizinf and I signed myself up for a 5k? I'm nuts. Good thing it's in September so I have some time. I guess it's time to start actually using that Couch to 5k app I bought over a year ago because currently the only running I do is from my car to the cupcake shop. Good luck girl. You got this!

Shug in Boots said...

Have you tried the My Fitness Pal app? People swear by it. You don't deprive yourself, but it keeps you in check and aware.

Amber said...

Hang in there, girlie!!! I actually posted a draft stating roughly the same thing... I need to get back into shape, too! I was doing so well for a while and then all of a sudden stopped.
I love your plan to run a 5k in 60days... I may have to try following the same thing. I was running it a couple of months ago and always felt amazing afterwards. Basically all this rambling is to say I LOVE this!

The Pink Growl said...

You CAN DO IT! March last year I joined a gym because I was feeling a little chubby. I have lost 37 lbs. since then and although it's not always easy - especially at first. I feel soooooooooooooo much better! My honey and I workout together (when his schedule allows) and that helps me a lot too! Just make the decision to do it and hold yourself accountable! You can do it girl!

T.Smith said...

I use myfitnesspal.com too and love it. You can use it on the computer and as an app on your phone and everything syncs! Find some classes and a gym buddy to help keep you accountable. I keep a large calendar and cross off each day that I work out. I also keep a "motivational" picture on the fridge, which keeps me from snacking. Planning out my meals for the week on Sunday has also made a world of difference for me. Good luck! I can't wait to see your progress!

Jane {In the Pink and Green} said...

I can totally relate girl! My weight has yo-yoed a bit thru college and since getting married 3 years ago...but in the past few months my husband and I have both lost a lot of weight thanks to the Paleo Diet! Now I am totally not a fan of dieting, but this is really all about making permanent and positive changes to the way you eat. The plan focuses on eating unprocessed, real foods like fruits, veggies, nuts, and meats...and pretty much cuts grains and dairy out of your diet...it may sound extreme, but there is a lot of sound since behind this diet...I'd suggest.reading the book The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf, it will change your life! I used to have the biggest sweet tooth and I'd go on MyFitnessPal and count calories and workout all the time, but I was never ad thin or felt as good as I do eating Paleo! Feel free to email me or check out my blog for more info about my experience! :)

lori said...

oh, jess... i feel you, girl. i really wish we were closer so we could do it together! its so much easier when you have friends to help make it fun and keep you motivated.

i've actually just got back at working out {last week}... and am doing pretty good. but i haven't seen results yet. which is frustrating. i lost 25 lbs last year {ive since gained 5 back} but i still want to lose another 25+... especially BEFORE i get pregnant. the thought of gaining 40 lbs terrifies me... even if it is because of a baby growing inside of me.

i think you are absolutely stunning... but i think we all should be happy with ourselves. blogging can help keep us accountable! get it, girl!!

Brittany said...

I am right there with you! It is so hard. I want to change myself but when I don't see the changes happening it is hard to stay motivated, I know it takes time but it isn't easy waiting. All I know is that if you have someone there with you doing it too it is so much easier. so find a buddy

kourtney said...

You and I are on the SAME page! I've gained 11 pounds since my honeymoon [and kept it on 2 years later :(] I am NOT motivated to work out. I'll get on a kick, then drop right back into being too tired, too busy, too anything else. This week we go to the beach, I'm NOT bikini ready :( I have set goals and rules for myself from now on out, let's keep each other accountable for our goals!

Mrs. Chavis said...

Love you Jess. You are always beautiful. However, I know that there is nothing anyone can say that will help you feel better...so let me know if there's anything that I can do to help you with your goal! Maybe I can be an accountability partner? Love you!!

Jenna Renee said...

You have been tagged on my blog!

Check out the post here:
http://lawyergirlruns86.blogspot.com/2012/05/tag-im-it.html

Melissa Beare said...

So weird that I read this today as I weighed myself this morning and realized that I have gained 8 lbs in the last 6 months and I got so depressed. Two years ago I lost 30lbs and have been so good about keeping it off so I'm very disappointed that I have let myself gain so much back. This has motivated me to lose the lbs again.

My suggestion to lose weight? First measure your food so you can make sure your portion sizes are right until you're better at eyeballing it. Next, log your food with an online application so you can see how many calories you're really eating (I was horrified at myself when doing this the first time). Last, exercise. When you don't feel like exercising, just tell yourself that all you have to do is put your workout clothes and tennis shoes on. You'll be surprised that 9x out of 10, you'll end up doing the workout just by the act of getting ready for it. Don't know why that works. Some kind if mental trick. Good luck!

Melissa Beare said...

So weird that I read this today as I weighed myself this morning and realized that I have gained 8 lbs in the last 6 months and I got so depressed. Two years ago I lost 30lbs and have been so good about keeping it off so I'm very disappointed that I have let myself gain so much back. This has motivated me to lose the lbs again.

My suggestion to lose weight? First measure your food so you can make sure your portion sizes are right until you're better at eyeballing it. Next, log your food with an online application so you can see how many calories you're really eating (I was horrified at myself when doing this the first time). Last, exercise. When you don't feel like exercising, just tell yourself that all you have to do is put your workout clothes and tennis shoes on. You'll be surprised that 9x out of 10, you'll end up doing the workout just by the act of getting ready for it. Don't know why that works. Some kind if mental trick. Good luck!

Courtney said...

I read this and this is exactly the reason I started my blog. I want to hold myself accountable. if you need any diet suggestions, i have started one that requires a lot of dedication but it works. im living proof. it is called body by vi shakes. you drink two shakes and eat a balanced meal a day and get a lot of nutritional value in those two shakes and the shakes taste GOOD! if you have any questions dont hesitate to email me. cmcopeland11@gmail.com and feel free to look in to my website and watch the videos on the site cmcopeland1.bodybyvi.com
ps. i have been on this diet for two weeks and lost a total of 8lbs! it really does work!

Carolyn said...

Oh honey. I'm right there with you. Honeymooning and married life does not make staying in shape easy! :) You can do it!!! I'll be sending good thoughts your way!

Christa said...

I'd like to know how you got into my head and pulled out every single thought I've had in the last 8 months. Please. Seriously though...thank you. When my boyfriend and I started dating a year ago, I was like most girls; yeah, I'd like to be a little less soft in certain areas, but for the most part I wasn't bothered by how my clothes fit or the number on the scale. Fast forward to now and I am a completely different person for the worse. I even alientated one of my best friends because she was skinnier and tanner than me! I constantly feel like I'm walking around in the wrong body. I know it's my fault for going out on lunch dates everyday once Wes and I started dating and wanting to spend all my free time with him and not at the gym. But lately I've changed all my bad habits. I can't tell you the last time we went out to lunch during the week. I joined a gym and was going pretty religiously for a few months: running, taking a weekly yoga and Pilates class. And ya know what? NOTHING CHANGED! Ok, ok...I lost 3% body fat, but I am a girl...I want to see the number on the scale change and my pants fit looser. I'm moving this weekend and a few nights ago Wes was watching me go through my closet and put a bunch of clothes into a pile to give away. He asked why I was giving so much away and I said "because they are too small". His reaction: "Loose weight". Now, before you think he's totally insensitive, I know he was just being rational and not mean spirited at all (that didnt stop me from giving him the cold stare of death though). I just wish it was that easy..."Loose weight"...simple enough to say...hard as hell to stick to. I'm not sure why I just divulged my deepest fattie secrets with the internet; it's just nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling...that I'm not the only one who wants to look good for my man...that I'm not the only one who wants to cry everytime I go shopping. I will never be a size 2. I am a good little South GA country girl and I love food too much. But I am afraid I will spend the foresee-able future searching for that motivation that seems to come so naturally and easily for some women. Good luck on your quest to find it also and if you ever do find where it's hiding, send her my way will ya ;)