Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Pour[ed].My.Heart.Out - Friendship

I am a happy person. I'm a friendly person. I live to find happiness within myself & within others. I've had my share of bad days, bad months, and bad years. Yet, I teach myself to learn from it and try to find the happiness in whatever  ugly happened. I do not like negativity or negative people. I do not like people who judge me or be upset with me! It gets under my skin more than anything. I've made numerous mistakes in 25 years. I've made CrAzY, Oh my goodness, Why did I do that?, and poor choices. But I love who I am. I love what I do. And most of all, what I love most is to make people happy! That's me! That is this girl! That being said, this is a tough post for me to write. Because, it's not happy. I also have this not so wonderful thing about me, which causes me to hold things in. I'm the type that when I've had enough I've had it and then it gets the best of me. That is happening now... It's crazy because, I'm a talker. If something is bothering me in my relationship with Aaron, it's mandatory that we talk about it. Vice Versa! And that goes with all my relationships [family, friends, etc] But, there are certian situations and certain people I can not voice my feelings to. Why? I don't have a clue. I've always been a strong person. I stand up for what I believe in. I move forward, even if there is 100lbs of crap trying to pull me back. Well, in this situation... I'm being over loaded. The 100lbs is winning and I'm at my witts end! At the same time, I am hurting and crying inside. I don't know what to do or how to recover from it, because I've already tried everything. I think?
So, it's that time... For the first time, I'm joining in! I hope this does the job! Writing my bitter feelings has always worked before, I hope it will work today!

Here it is - This is the Story from beginning to end! It's long... but to understand my frustration, I must tell piece by piece.

From the day I met her, my life changed. She instantly became a hugh part of me. She was the only real person around me. We laughed everyday. Constantly participating in random things, that brought happiness and made so many memories. The ones I hold onto. She was the friend I trusted, the friend I looked up to, the friend I knew would fix everything. She loved me. The good in me, the ugly in me, and everything that went along with it. We made it through many stages in a teenage life. High school drama. Moving away to college. That was actually our first test. It was rough. We drifted apart, and it took no time to bring it back together.  During our time apart. I befriended other girls & so did she. Girls that took a best friend spot. Not her spot. But a best friend spot. I saw jealousy. Lots of it. But I continued to not make it a big deal. She had to get over it and learn that there we other important people in my life. It didn't take long!
This was a girl that I needed and wanted in my life. She knew everything about me, and understood. Vice Versa! College years survived & memories were made X 100. Our love lives were up and down & yet they survived too. We were always there for each other. She was the person I could admit my deepest darkest secret too and she'd understand. Years passed. Maybe we were growing apart a little.... but the roots were still there. In the year of 2008... oh geez, that was a tough, tough, tough year for me. My Love life was a basket CASE. Only I didn't know it. I was doing the not so wonderful thing I do, where I hold everything [negative emotions] inside. At that time, I hadn't made the mandatory rule of talking about things that bother me or Aaron in our relationship. To skip over that... I hit rock bottom. I didn't know what made me happy. I wasn't happy. I cried myself to sleep.  I felt all alone. I left Aaron. [We lived together] My life turned completely upside down. I lost my house, my one true love, Jackson [my shih tuz], & most of all, I lost who I was. The one thing I said I'd never have to do, was to move back into my parents house... Well I did. I was a basket case. Of course, I felt better and looked better on the outside after leaving Aaron... But, truthfully... I was no way, in any way healed. I hid the true feelings from myself.. because "Jess, you've always been so strong". I had MAJOR support from my family & my girlfriends! A few months later [OCTOBER], NO WAY was I ready to date... a wonderful friend of mine, my bestie  introduced me to a guy. He was great. I was very careful to not make him a rebound, like I've done before. The last thing I wanted to do is cause hurt in someones life or break someones heart. Like I've done before to innocent people. This was an older guy, with his head on his shoulders. We saw each other here and there. He was a very, VERY, very... VERY happy person! Always. I needed that. We took things SLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOW!
Me, Her, & another friend of mine went to a Halloween party that I attended every year. This is was a bad decision. Who was there? That's right. Aaron. [Just so you know, Anytime we've had our I can't do this anymore times in our 10 year relationship, Aaron always gets me at parties.. haha (it's a good thing)] After two hours into the party, & with cutting some small stuff out... Aaron finds me, starts talking to me, [both drinking], & says something to me to just light my fire! Standing there, away from everyone else I give it to him. I just POURED.MY.HEART.OUT! Where he thought he'd win me over, he didn't. In the meantime, my girlfriends came up to rescue me. You couldn't get me away. My bestie knew there was no stopping, & she [as in the one we are talking about] is pulling me & blah blah blah ... I'm in a heated conversation & hiiiiiiiighly mad, on top of that.. I've been drinking. As she's tugging me and telling me to shut up with her finger in my face, I slapped her! ...... ...... ....... ...... Yes. Immediately, I hush & hug her and apologize religiously! I felt like the worst person ever. I was. I've NEVER done that in my life. She was okay, then she wasn't. It became a big deal. My bestie took me home. I cried the whole time. I didn't sleep. Felt like horse crap, & was completely embarrassed & ashamed of myself. I called, called, called more, called, called more, and called... I was being ignored. Ohhh, do I hate being ignored. I rather you chew me out and say nasty things to me. Every once in a while, she'd text me and say, "It's okay. I just need time to think." a few days passed and I was getting the same text. Only she would add, "I never thought I would ever be disappointed in you. It will just take time. Everythings okay. I just need time." Well, that was eaaaaaaaaating me alive. I deserved it, because I slapped the piss out of her. On the OTHER side, this guy thought I was amazing. He treated me like royalty & I had so much fun with him. BUt, deep inside I hurt sooooo bad. I blocked that out when he was around. Eventually, we were seeing more and more of each other. I went to her house @ 7am one morning. SHe wouldn't answer my calls, she wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't take it. I wanted to make things right. I wanted to talk. I sat on her couch and cried like a baby. Apologizing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I was so ashamed. She said things were fine and blah blah blah. Repeated the same stuff to me. I thought things would eventually get better. On the flip side, I was ... I won't say falling in love, because I wasn't but I was high on the mountain top with this guy. How can Life be so happy & so empty at the same time? Because I hid it. I pushed it away. BUt I never gave up. I'd call her, we'd talk a little. Then within a few weeks, we started talking a little more, so I felt everything was going to be okay.
I went out of town with him & his friends to celebrate. My Mom demanded I go. She and other friends were CrAzY excited for me. I went & had the time of my life. I felt so relieved from the world and felt like new person. Randomly, she quit calling me & quiting answering. She was SO busy with school. Remind you, I was working 9AM-7PM Tuesday & Wednesday [at the Spa] / 9AM-4:30PM then 5:PM-10 Thursday & Friday [at  the Spa then Longhorn Steakhouse], Saturdays 9AM-3PM[at the Spa], & 9AM-4PM [at Longhorn] on Sundays. Monday - my day off! Then I squeezed in my personal life on top of that. It was okay. I did that all the time. I am a hyper person who is always on the go and always running doing 10 millions things. I'm used to it. So, it hurt my feelings to hear her say she was just SO busy. Especially, when we were so close we could be pottying & talking on the phone. I stay busy, and I always find time to fit everyone in. Maybe that's my problem? [HA] Not really, I love it.
November comes around. Which is a busy time for Aarons Mom [who was also at the Halloween party], she bakes & sells cakes. VERY popular. She happens to run into my friends mom and discuss' the drama at the Halloween party. My friend calls me, the night before thanksgiving and chews me out. She can't believe my MIL would do that. My question was, how did she know about me slapping her???  She made me PROMISE not to say anything. She just wanted everything to go away. Once again, she backed further away from me. NOT MY FAULT!
Anyway, So her birthday comes [December] and it happens to fall on the day of my work Christmas Party that I already RSVPed and really don't want to miss. The guy was my date. She planned a dinner for her birthday, then to watch a Christmas play, then out for a night on the town. That morning was our town Christmas Parade. As always, I attended. My Niece dances in it every year. I was fine. Getting home and getting ready for that night, I felt very weak and ill.  I figured I was just hungry due to not eathing anything. So, I meet my date, we then arrive to dinner. Everything was okay. I was still , blah feeling but okay. Ordered my glass of wine, and since we were skipping the Christmas Play to attend my work Christmas party, we just ordered crab cakes & a salad for dinner to share. My Wine wasn't settling. So I quit drinking it. My salad went down great. When we got our Crab Cakes, No way... I started feeling ill. But, I was okay. After dinner, we discussed the plans. We were gonna skip the play but then come back to go out. DEAL! As I'm walking to the parking lot, I begin to feel VERY weak, as if I'm about to throw up! There is nothing more that I hate, than to throw up. On top of that, throw up around the guy that I've been dating for only two months. No good! Never good!
As I curl up in the passenger seat, him rubbing my back, I begin to break into a sweat, and I don't want to talk only fearing I would get sick in the car. Blah Blah Blah... Do you wanna stop and get a coke? Carbonation is good for a sick stomach? No, just keep driving. Do you want me to stop and get medicine? No, it's okay... let's just get to the party. I'll be fine! We pull into the town where I onced  worked, and there's a CVS...Yeah, maybe you should pull in and get some medicine. So we did. about 15 seconds after him, I'm walking VERY fast to the bathroom. There it went. But I felt MUCH better. We got to the party, I was still weak, but feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Thinking, I can NOT miss her birthday, she will never let it down. I'm feeling better. I decided to eat a Baked Potato plain. Nope. Threw it up outside. Three times. My date checks on me. I'm okay. Nope. I go to the bathroom. My Work friends come to check on me, & NOW [tmi] both ends of my body is being worked on. NOT GOOD. No way!!!! Blah Blah Blah.. No way could I go anywhere, but home... If I could make it without getting sick or crapping my pants. I would DIIIIIIE! So, we pick up... leave. I am in a bad condition.  I didn't go back downtown.BUt I did make it back to his place without any accidents. I called her, she never responded. Of course! [just so you know, he took me back to his "studio" apartment.. NOT funny and I had both ends working it until 6am the next morning... Yes, he took care of me & yes he actually DID talk to me after that] I thought I was dead! It was serious! So... never heard from her. I called left messages, told her how sorry I was. blah blah blah. It was starting to get old. I was still hurting from the fact that our once 8 year soild friendship was crumbled. My parents & best friends saw the hurt & pain it was causing me. I couldn't quit talking about it.
Oh, and not to mention, Aaron is calling me EVERY NIGHT nonstop throughout December.. [day & night in January. He apologized, begged, & pleaded. I was strong... for once! Christmas Day was gone, New Years was gone, now it's February - Super Bowl. Aaron's family has a HUGH Super Bowl party every year. All my girlfriends men are Aaron's friends. That's okay. They tipped toed around the idea of attending, but I told them it wouldn't bother me. Just because Aaron and I weren't together didn't mean they couldn't go. So I went to a party else where, while my clan was attending the big town super bowl party. Blah Blah Blah. With Texts from Aaron all night, I put my phone on silent and put it in the car. When I did look at it, on the way home I have a horrible message from "that friend that were talking about" - My EX MIL [who does happen to be a great woman] starting asking her how she's been. Something like this MIL - How you've been since the last time I've seen you? F- WHat do you mean? MIL- Well, the last time I saw you you had a red mark across your face. - It embarrassed my friend, of course because one -she didn't want to be reminded, two - it was in front of everyone. Again, it was my fault. So, here's the deal. When I went to get Jackson the next day... I confronted her. Little did I know, the night of the halloween party, my friend went back to my EX MIL and cried in the bathroom to her telling her everything and talking about me. Uhhhh, What??? And I'm hearing about this NOW? Nooooow.. it makes a liitttttle more since to me why she would bring my friends name up when she ran into her Mom, and whyyy she would ask her how she was doing... She didn't ever discuss that. My point is, my MIL had no right saying anything... period. My friend didn't tell me everything, but decided everything was my fault. Again, I got blamed for it. When I left my MIL house, I was hysterically crying. I was so so so mad. I was hurt & didn't know what to do. I went to my besties house... venting. Within, 10 minutes of telling the story, the girl we're talking about calls her too...Of course I shut up, and I hear every single word. She sugar coated lots of stuff, little did she know I've been venting to my bestie since day one, so she knew the story inside out. BUt, These are the words I heard that broke me to pieces, I'll never be able to forgive Jessica. She hurt me & ruinned our friendship. This entire time, she's been telling me... it's okay. I'm not mad, it just takes time to get over. I'm SO busy.blah blah blah...
I maybe could've been working on letting go, if should wouldn't keep me holding. So, at the very moment... I said I'm done. Now I know the truth & how she feels. I quit. I'm not trying anymore!  The following weekend, I planned a girls night [that had been planned since the beginning of January] She was a no show that said she would be there. I didn't bother. Deep inside, it got to me a little bit, but I didn't bother calling her. March - St. Patty's Day. BIG here in Savannah Georgia! I love going to the Parade & I do every year with my bestie and her family. Aaron came with me. [Yes, He slid back in there... another whole ball game] The morning was great. We get there about 7am. We're having a ball. Her & her boyfriend show up. It was a little awkward. I spoke, she spoke. But I went about my way. Usually I would go out of my way to make her feel comfortable because she didn't hang out with them as much as I did. But, I didn't. I let her be. Hours pass & she pulls me to the side. But, just the side of where everyone is standing. NOT a great place to apologize and say she was sorry that she's been going through a lot. To be honest, I accepted but it kinda went through one ear & out the other. Her words were still haunting me & in the back of my head. I smiled, hugged and the day was good. April - Friends of mine & Aarons were getting married. [yay] & both of us were in it. This was a big wedding and everyone was gonna be there Including her. It was okay though. I kinda let things go.. a little... at that point. We talked, but her words were still in my head. SHe didn't know that.
The wedding starts, the dancing starts.. she bring normal, I'm acting normal. Then... I find her sitting by herself, with a puss on her face. I ask what's wrong. Come dance. No nO. They went home eaaarly. Yadi Yadi Ya!
The end of April - Me, her, & my bestie go downtown for our girlfriends birthday. We had a WONDERFUL night. It was so much fun! Seriously.. things were good. Until, riiiight towards the end. It was late and by that time, a lot more of our friends joined us. I couldn't find my camera, NO WHERE. It was gone in two seconds. So, everyones laughing, having fun.. looking for Jessica's misplaced camera and along comes this bum. Yes, a Bum. He was being obnoxious, but who cares... I jokingly ask, Do you have my camera. Of course he didn't he wasn't around when it went missing. She FLIPS HER SHIT. Starts going off... I didn't know, but she was hooting and hollaring at me. Huh? What did I do? I ask her. and of course... she's gives it to me. I gave it right back. Blah Blah. She would not... repeat, would NOT get in the car. To this day, I don't have a clue how she got home. My bestie demanded and tried.. because of me, She didn't want to get in the car. Okay, you're being ridiculous. Apparently she is still holding LOTS of angry in towards me.
May - Her College Graduation. I had RSVPed, but then wasn't sure how to go about it. I didn't want to ruin her day, but the thought actually came across my mind... I've never missed anything. This is a big day I should be there. I considered going, but not sitting with her family or attending her party. I couldn't imagine not watching her graduate. But I did. Why would I go? She isn't there for me. Doesn't care about me? And NEVER comes to anything  that I host or invite her to. Something always, randomly comes up! I sent a card only. I congratulated her, told her I was proud, and wished her luck in her future. June - My besties birthday. I don't remember what we did... But I do know she did not show because of me. Toward the end of that month, I get an email... a long one from her. Apologizing and telling me what she's been going through behind our drama. She said she didn't let me in & it was all her fault. I wrote back telling her to a tee. Nothing mean, but to the point piece by piece, broken down. July - My birthday - We all went to see
The Proposal. It was a little awkward, but it was great having all my girlfriends together. Time goes by, for a little while things were good. I came to reality that things would NEVER go back like they were before all this, but it was still great to have her in my life.

Since then-
When I decided to work things out with Aaron, we moved into a Studio Apartment together that February. I started a new job, ONE job.. Normal hours, 40 hours a week, in June 09. I have a lot more time, although I still stay busy. I am in every single one my of my friends lives, and have grown closer and built more great friendships since then... From High School, to Working at Cracker Barrel my first year of college, College, Working at the Spa, all the way to my job now... I make friends and I keep them. I jungle all of if it because it is worth having great people in my life. That's what I do. That's who I am. I don't talk to all of them everyday. Sometimes, I can go without seeing some of them for a whole month.. or two. But, I call, they call. I arrange dinner, lunch or events to spend time with each and everyone of them. That is what is important to me. SHE is important to me... I make EVERYTHING of hers. Most of the time, I do not want to, but I do because it's a party she's throwing. How could I not go? I understand everyone is different, people grow, and they change. THat is okay. My Spa girlfriends are 34-35 years old, so is my great friend from Cracker Barrel. Their kids are in High School... Yet, I still find great things about them and we may not be on the "same page" but we've made friendships and make sure to keep up with them. She never saw my studio apartment in the whole 1.3 year[s] I lived there. We've just remodeled a home for us. We started in February 2010 - moved in June 2010 - She's never see it. She comes to Ellabell all the time, because her parents live here. Literally 2 miles from my house. I feel like I have to walk on tippy toes around her. She lives 4 miles from my work, We have lunch ALL the time. And it's been great. But, when I have a party of some sort or a get together...She's NEVER there. Always something to do, or always backs out. My parties are VERY seldom LAST minute. There is plenty time to plan. I can be a tad bit upset with her, and as soon as she calls for lunch... I go.
I'm saying all this because.... for the FIRST time, this past weekend I didn't go to her get together she held. The first time. I was exhausted. Wanna hear my weekend:
Friday - Worked out 6AM, Took shower, Straighten the house, Clocked in at 9AM.,Clocked out at 6PM, Picked up Pizza, Dessert & Wine and headed home, got home at 7PM, Girlfriends came over 7:15 PM [she was invited, no show], went ot bed at 3AM., up at 9AM on Saturday doing my MIL & SIL hair. Went to town with my SIL at 2PM . HOme at 6Pm, Had plans to work out with Friend @ 6:30 - was in bed at 8PM. 9am starting working a party I'm hosting [Props] til 5:30PM which is when Aaron came home. 7:30pm went to work out...

I was exhausted. I had NO time to attend the gathering. She's mad. I do not know that for a fact, but by the wording & shortness of her text... I do know. She's ignoring me again. Cancels TWO lunch dates... which are important we, together are hosting a big, important, can't back out of party in late September.
My friend, who attended the gathering asked her if I was coming and her response was... I don't think so. We don't really talk about more.
WhAT???? I'm so confused. I'm hosting a HUGH party with you.
We just had lunch two weeks ago and had a great time. We laughed the whole time. I don't get it.
I'm so tired of dealing with this. I am so happy right now in my life. Everything seems so right. The people around me are happy. Life hasn't been this great & simple in a looong time. I couldn't be more settled and content if I asked for it. But, then I have this to deal with. I'm tired of trying to work it out. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of stressing about it. I'm tired of thinking - is she mad? Why'd she say this? - I am tired of feeling hurt from it-I don't know what to do or how to handle this situation. I'm just tired of her. Seriously. I'm ready to cut strings and go our own way. She means a lot to me & I have a hard time letting good things go. I really do. And I don't want to, but she stresses me out. She brings negativity & depression.
She is a rollor coaster ride & i'm having a hard time getting off.

This is the LONGEST post I think I've written, I'm sorry!
Whether you read it or you don't! Pouring my heart out has definitely made me feel better! It hasn't changed the way I feel, but I feel a tad bit better!
Thanks if you did take the time to read this LOOOONG post & comment!
Advice is always welcomed! [Laugh]


BlessedMama said...

Wow! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I "think" it may be time to go separate ways. She clearly can not get over the little incident and if she is truly your friend she would understand why you even did it in the first place. You were having a rough time and with a little alcohol let lose.....
You have done your best to try to mend the friendship. If she isn't willing do you really want to waste your time?
Do you what you have to do with her and move on. I personally would not plan or do anything else with her, if she wants to try to make the friendship last then she needs to put forth a little effort too, you have apoligized and moved on from it. But, anyways that's my opinion and what I would do....
Hopefully things will get better! Have a great day chica!

Shell said...

Hope that helped you- to get it all out! Some people aren't really friends- they are just around b/c of the history- but it seems like she's never there for you. That's not really a friend.

justmekimi said...

I clicked on "next blog" and ur blog came up, I think the first post I read was about the Coke guy and thought it was really funny so I decided to follow. You are so upbeat all of the time and its nice to know you have days like the rest of us =)

So this was a long post, and Im sure it helped alot. It seems you have alot of close friends and not much drama which is great and definitely not the norm these days so good for have either been really lucky or like me you weed drama out. Seems ur friend is not worthy of ur amazing friendship. if it was jus a small tiff no biggie but this has been ongoing for quite sometime. I say jus let her know how she makes you feel and move on. If you see her in ur circle certainly be cordial but thats it. You seem like you go above and beyond for the people in ur life and time is so precious, spend it with people that love and treat you the same.

Bottomline, NEVER let anyone rob you of your joy.
Good luck and nice to "meet" you.


Sheri said...

I am sorry about all of that. I'll admit, I didn't follow all of it, but I think I go the gist.

Honestly hon, you not only apologized but it sounds like you bent over backwards to do it.

It "seems" like you are trying to please her and she's holding the slap over head without directly saying it. She needs to let it go or let you go. And might just need to step back.

No relationship that takes THAT much work or causes that much drama is worth it to me.

Ashly Strickland said...

I'm pretty sure I know who this is talking about and now that I know everything (well, pretty much after your post) that has went on between you two, I say to hell with her! I mean seriously?! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE & try to work things out before it's enough for her to accept you again?!!
I agree with "Blessedmama" on this one! Do what you have to do with her and move on!! You have so many other people who love you and would never treat you this way, including me! I know it's not easy losing what you considered to be a bestie, but as the quote goes, "don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened!" You made memories with each other that you'll both never forget and that's great! Now, I think it's time to just let it be! One day she'll realize what she did to you and how hard you tried to salvage what she wanted destroyed and you will be able to say "I tried my hardest and gave it my all, so now I SHALL HAVE NO REGRETS!!"
Your friendship is not worth losing your sanity!
You are an amazing, awesome, caring, and "I could go on for days" person and no one will ever take those qualities away from you! So be the beautiful self that you are, enjoy the awesome life you've created for yourself, and let her know she can kiss it where the sun doesn't shine :) (just my opinion!) haha

Meredith said...

What a story! I don't know who exactly you're referring to in this story, but that doesn't really matter. I've kinda been through a similar situation, but, sometimes after things happen over several years and you keep getting hurt, you have to realize that maybe you are better off without them. Like Ashly pointed out, you have so many other people who love you and wouldn't do this to you! You deserve to be happy and sometime the best thing to do is to just move on!